Poison....

With a pounding head and an aching heart I reflect upon relationships in my life. I read back through the healthy tone in my last entry and think ~ how easy it is to slip backwards when you are exposed to "poison".

By poison I mean people in your life who are like poison to you.....they hurt and destroy the essence of your being by their words, actions and the role they play in your life. People who make you forget how to think and behave rationally, people who attempt to destroy the positive work you have done......people who lead you to think unhealthy thoughts about yourself or who lead you to behave in unhealthy ways. Yes, as I speak about many times....you have a choice....but there are some people who are poison to you and you lose the ability to make conscious choices. It is like you get "sucked" in so that they can poison you.

I fear those relationships in my life. I fear the detrimental affect those relationships have on the work I have done to live a healthy life of truth. It terrifies me to know that someone can have so much power over me, when I don't even want to give them any power at all. That I can be brought to tears, that I can doubt my own personal worth and that I can believe in the "poison" that is put upon me. It takes all the strength I have in me to fight the poisonous affects.

Interestingly enough despite their poisonous affects on me, most of these people I cannot fully release from my life because of ties to them that can't be broken. So what do I do to find strength to not be poisoned.....continue to live in truth, to believe in my worth and to be strong....and when I can't be strong enough on my own to lean on those I can trust to help keep me strong.

Thankfully I am blessed beyond measure with more healthy than unhealthy relationships and those relationships are my greatest resources, along with who I am, in fighting the affects of poison.

Thank you my blessings....those who love me and accept me for who I am. Who walk beside me, share my journey and help me in my journey of healing and moving forward....those who do not bring me down into that pit of darkness where I am feeling the affects of poison.

Choices....

"Life is the sum of all your choices." ~ Albert Camus

I was online today with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while. Her question to me was "how are you doing?" I answered with a response that I am finally feeling like I am doing well, that I am feeling healthier and that I can see the light more and more often. We first "met" a little over seven months ago during a time when I was facing some of the greatest struggles and challenges in my life.....or perhaps it was more like I was wading through the deepest muck in my life by facing my present challenges and my past demons. A common thread brought us together and we shared many conversations of "leaning and crying on one another's shoulder". She saw me through some of my darkest days, despite the fact that we have never met face to face. She was there for me when I chose to let go of a "protective bubble" that had kept me "safe" for a while and as a result would mean that our contact would be less frequent. She "held my hand" while I cried over the place that I had ended up.....while I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my being....and she understood.

So now today to be able to say that I am feeling healthier than I have ever felt brings both of us pure joy and hope. To be able to speak the words that I am beginning to feel whole, that I am seeing light more often instead of darkness...that the "rock" to crawl under and hide isn't needed near as often...shows how far I have come in my journey.

She spoke kind words filled with love and support, letting me know she was proud of me. She was proud of my ability to remain positive throughout my journey of darkness and struggle. I replied to her that there were many days I struggled to see light, to remain positive....but I had no choice. And her response to me was ~

"Well you did have a choice my friend...but the great part is that you chose the road less travelled instead of just giving in and feeling sorry for yourself and that's what makes you very unique".

I made a choice.....I made a vow to myself and to those I love.....to choose life. Despite the darkness...despite the struggles, pain and regrets...despite the unhealthy paths and the work it takes to change those paths.....I CHOOSE LIFE. Why.....because the alternative isn't an option......it is by far worse. To have been touched deeply, to the core of my being, far too often by that "worse choice" I KNOW with everything in me that I NEED to choose life.....not only for myself but for those I love.

So what does choosing life mean.....it means doing the work necessary to make the most out each moment I am blessed with.....to live in truth.....to be healthy....to seek hope instead of hopelessness....to reach out for a hand to hold when I need it.....to be carried when I can't do it on my own.....to remove masks and protective bubbles that aren't life giving......yes....I choose life and to live it to the fullest....making each moment count......and that's why as hard as it is, and often I stumble, I choose to think positively and live in that place of hope....hope that each moment brings.

So yes, I had a choice.....to not live life....to wallow in my pain and struggles (as I have done at times).....to not make the most out of my moments.....to cling to hopelessness instead of hope........OR to LIVE LIFE, be true to myself, live in hope......hmmmm....to me, the healthiest choice is quite obvious......the alternative, isn't where I want to be. So yes, I had a choice....and as hard as some days have been, I am thankful for that choice.....the choice I make on a daily basis.....to live life.....because in a moment's breath that choice may be taken away and that alternative isn't one I'd ever want to take.

Thank you.....

for loving me....

It is amazing what you can find when you least expect it......

Coming across a "latest favourite" song in my regular music search reminds me of the many gifts and blessings that come into our lives when we least expect it. And I have been, amongst the challenges I have faced, blessed beyond measure with many gifts of love, new friendship and growth...when I least expected it. I have had love enter into my heart in ways beyond measure, shown to me in so many significant ways by the many people who bless my life. During a time where I felt empty, alone and completely unlovable.....somehow, when I least expected it, love grew. The love for myself grew through some very hard work, a lot of "digging" and "wading" through some very deep muck....and then when I least expected it, as I let go of an unhealthy branch of my journey that hasn't been filled with love for quite some time.....I find love.

The Bon Jovi song "Thank You For Loving Me" touches the essence of my being.....the words spoken carry great weight ~

It's hard for me to say the things

I want to say sometimes

There's no one here but you and me

And that broken old street light

Lock the doors

We'll leave the world outside

All I've got to give to you

Are these five words when I

Chorus: Thank you for loving me

For being my eyes

When I couldn't see

For parting my lips

When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream

Until that dream was you

When I look into your eyes

The sky's a different blue

Cross my heart I wear no disguise

If I tried, you'd make believe

That you believed my lies

Chorus: Thank you for loving me

For being my eyes

When I couldn't see

For parting my lips

When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down

You ring the bell before they count me out

If I was drowning you would part the sea

And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors

We'll leave the world outside

All I've got to give to you

Are these five words when I

Chorus: Thank you for loving me

For being my eyes

When I couldn't see

You parted my lips

When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly

Oh, you gave me wings

You parted my lips

When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me

In my journey over the last couple years, and most especially the last eight months, I have needed the clarity and strength from others that the song speaks about ~ most especially for "being my eyes, when I couldn't see". It takes a special gift of ability to be someone else's eyes for them....to see the world for them when they can't see it themself. Especially when that someone struggles with needing and depending on others and instead prefers to do it on her own!

There is the physical sight that I have struggled with greatly, most especially over the last several months, and during that time I was blessed with the gift of patience, love and understanding.....of love beyond measure......a place where I could trust someone else to see for me.

And then there is the sight that comes from within.....what is often referred to as "insight". There have been so many times where I have struggled to find clarity. Where I have struggled to find "self" from within all the "rubble" and "muck" and during those times I was given strength, love, support and guidance to find my way.

So yes, to those who have shared my journey.......most especially the love that has come beyond measure....when I least expected it.....

Thank you.....for loving me.

An Interesting Perspective....

"It is the Joshua Tree's struggle that gives it its beauty"

I have been reading a book my sister lent me and came across this interesting passage from within it. The young girl was speaking to her mother about how she wished she could transplant the young Joshua Tree closer to her home so she could nurture it and protect it from the wind so it could grow up nice and tall and straight and the mother replied to her daughter "You'd be destroying what makes it special, it's the Joshua Tree's struggle that gives it its beauty."

What an interesting perspective. I hadn't really thought of beauty within struggles. Sure I have thought about life's lessons, learning opportunities, gaining strength and insight within places of struggle....but never beauty.

How amazing it would be to find beauty within struggles....would it not alter our entire perspective on the struggles in our life if we could find beauty within them?

Life's struggles are looked at far too often in negative ways and we do everything we can to try and eliminate them. The self-help books, the ways to "escape", the gadgets and gizmos designed to make life easier, the medications and specialists......and the list goes on and on. Sure there is some merit in many of these tools, but merit can also be found in facing struggles...by putting on your "finest pair of rubber boots" and sometimes your "finest hip waders" to wade through the muck of life's journey. To face struggles, to face adversity and challenges, to have days where life is hard and putting one foot in front of the other takes everything in you.....somewhere within that there lies beauty and opportunity.

It has been said many times before by people who have taken the time to reflect, to look back upon their life, often because they are in a place of facing some of their greatest struggles ~

"when I look back upon my life the moments where I was truly living were the moments when I faced the greatest amount of struggles and adversity."

Again I say, an interesting perspective and one I find a great deal of merit within when I look back upon my own life. It is facing and often overcoming life's struggles where our true self shines through, where we learn the most, where we have to put more energy into living....not through the times when we are "coasting" through life, letting the moments pass by in a blur of contentment.

Contentment...."a feeling of quiet happiness and satisfaction". To me, that sounds so much like the end....you have reached a destination. And is there a destination in life.....or is it an ever evolving journey? I myself, tend to think of life as an ever evolving journey, much like the Joshua Tree filled with twists and turns......and beauty.

Some things in life are....

Worth waiting for......

What a journey it has been the last couple years.....and now more and more I am getting glimpses that yes, some things in life are worth waiting for....despite the challenges along the way!

We have been waiting for over 2 years for a contact lens for my eye to be available in Canada. I have only been able to wear one style and brand of contact lens available in all of Canada and unfortunately this lens doesn't breathe. Hence the blood vessels that have plagued my cornea for the last couple years....part of my reason for the need for a transplant. Well....finally....this lens has been approved and available in Canada. Only two places in all of Canada can dispense this lens and my Optometrist's office is one of the two!! (that can only be possible through God's amazing grace and love) Just over a week ago I put this new lens on for the first time......and today I went back to the Optometrist's office for my lens check. The blood vessels are now empty ~ ghost vessels they say. They will always be present but as long as we don't aggravate them they should remain empty. And my vision is better than he expected it would be. It will never be perfect...but considering my eye conditions it is better than he could have anticipated. I am able to drive, to function and although I will continue to struggle forever with night vision my daytime vision should remain functional!!! Nothing better than making your eye doctor's day by surpassing his expectations!!! What a way to end his and my week!!! So yes......some things in life are worth waiting for.

Then there are the blessings in the relationships in my life. I am finally at a place where I can feel the love for self from within my spirit....where I am able to embrace love from others. I have felt the depth in many of my life's relationships grow over the last couple years as I have grown...with each step my relationship with self grows stronger, as does my relationship with the many wonderful people who touch my life. It has been a journey of ~ choosing life.....of choosing health and being true to myself. Of learning to find myself at the root of my being, of dealing with demons and learning to love and accept myself as I am created to be. What a journey it has been.....to come to a place where I love myself and to KNOW I am loved....by many!!! I have longed to feel that love....that pure love of self and then from others....a love that is only possible when you love yourself, when you believe you are worthy of such love. With that love comes a feeling of being understood....a feeling that I have craved for most of my lifetime and yes, although people may not always agree with me and completely understand me for once I feel like there are many glimpses of being truly understood by others. I have never felt so loved, so treasured, so honoured and accepted for being who I am...who I am created to be. Yes, some things in life are worth waiting for.

In my journey of discovering self I have also grown in my spiritual relationship with my Creator. To be in a place where I believe I am worthy.....created as I am....where I am forgiven and loved unconditionally is the most remarkable place to be. This feeling is only possible through God's grace....His gentle loving touch guiding me along the way of finding myself, of loving myself, of forgiving myself. I am created to be....yes, to be as I am... living each day to the fullest, making the most out of each moment. And I am blessed by His gift of HOPE......and his amazing grace and love.

I have faced many challenges throughout my lifetime, but most especially in the last two years. I have dug deep within myself, in search of who I am without masks. I have faced some really tough places. I have struggled with putting one foot in front of the other, with finding light, with feeling HOPE. My physical and emotional health has been tested in ways that I never would have imagined possible. My ability to truly live.....to fight that feeling of hopelessness and darkness has been a struggle as I have dug into some really challenging places. I have faced many life's lessons and transitions. There were many days I wasn't sure I'd make it....but I always did....I crossed that hurdle and came out stronger in the end. I have let go of unhealthy relationships and patterns to make room for health...for HOPE to grow. And through it all I have reminded myself that "I choose life"....no matter how hard that life may be.

The ability to say "some things in life are worth waiting for" is only possible because of the challenges I have faced. Through these challenges I have gained incredible strength and awareness.....I have learned so much about myself, life and relationships. It is through these times of struggle that we learn the most.....where we can come to the place of truly knowing, of truly believing that some things in life are worth waiting for because of the struggles that we face....because of the growth and learning through those struggles. Without my physical visual struggle I perhaps may not have been able to "see" within myself in the way that I have learned to do so. Without my relationship struggles I wouldn't have been able to see the difference between healthy and unhealthy patterns of behaviour...I wouldn't have the insight that I have in the importance of living in truth, without masks. Without my spiritual struggles I wouldn't have dug deep enough to find the essence of my spiritual being ~ who I am created to be....and therefore wouldn't have gained the ability to love and forgive that person I am created to be.

My journey will continue....I will live each day to the fullest. And some of those days will be plagued with darkness, hopelessness and fear (despite how far I have come).....but I know I'll make it through those days, learning along the way because I have the strength to do so.....because ultimately ~ I choose life! My journey will not always be easy, I will continue to face struggles.....and yes, I will continue to be blessed beyond measure......

Yes ~ some things in life are worth waiting for......especially if those things help you live each moment to the fullest....to feel loved by self and others, to feel healthy and to feel HOPE.....to see light in a world that is often plagued by darkness.

A Proud Mom

As June came to a close this year, so too did my son's journey within the public school system. The month of June ended with my son's graduation dinner and dance last Friday. I, like many other proud parents, was blessed with the opportunity to celebrate with my son on this special day. As I wandered about the room during the parent's reception observing all the graduates my heart was filled with mixed emotions. I recalled that first day of kindergarten as we sent our precious little ones off on a pathway that would be a significant part of their life's journey for the next thirteen years. The time has flown by and those young children are no longer little anymore. They have grown in ways beyond measure and have developed into fine young adults. The cute little "first day of school outfits" and the "deer caught in the headlights" expressions were replaced with "grown up finery" and confident expressions as our graduates celebrated the bonds that grew, their years together and their accomplishment at "surviving" the public school system.

I look at my own son.....he has grown up so much....the potential to be the fine leader I always knew he would be has been realized as I reflect upon his years in school. The years weren't always easy for him, and like most experienced, peer pressure at times weighed heavy, so too did the struggles within a system that isn't always a "perfect fit" compounded by life's many twists and turns in itself. But through it all Jeff stayed true to himself....his true sense of character. That in itself is not a quality to be taken lightly. He has always lived his life being who he was created to be and I envy that....even in times where that person wasn't always congruent to his peers, he didn't sway from his own sense of beliefs and convictions in how he should live his life.

I sit here a very proud mother and yes a mother who knows that she has done the best job she possibly could. Jeff is one of the greatest blessings in my life and we have in many ways grown up together. I treasure and value the incredible bond we have with one another, the way we can talk and share in life's journey. How I can see our similarities and respect our differences.

The world is full of many possibilities for Jeff and I know that whatever he chooses to do with his life he will succeed at. I anticipate many blessings combined with life's valuable learning opportunities through struggles. As Jeff enters into the world of "adulthood" and begins to spread his wings I look on with pride in my heart and tears of joy and sadness....tears of joy at knowing that life holds many things for Jeff yet to discover and joy that he has developed an incredible set of skills that will help him on life's journey. Tears of joy at knowing that in part I was an influence, actually a significant influence, on who he is today and I am blessed by our deep connection, one that with joy I can say will always be there. Then there are the tears of sadness that my little boy isn't so little anymore....no more can "mommy's kiss" take away the worries of the world, no more can I protect him and yes, he has developed enough that he doesn't need me so much anymore....he doesn't need to be kept under the fold of my wings ~ he has his own wings now so that he can fly.

So Jeff....my son.....soar high with those wings. Reach for all your dreams. Live each day to the fullest and always know that I love you beyond measure and no matter what I will always be proud of you!