At Least They Didn't Ask Me to See the Letter E.....

Today I went for my routine visit to see the eye specialist.......the news was what I predicted, although somewhat frustrating. I have been struggling for the last couple months with my ability to keep my contact lens in and as a result have struggled with pain, light sensitivity and vision. My right eye (non-transplant eye) SCREAMS at me on a regular basis. The "fighter" in me has fought hard to keep my ability to use the contact lens to see.....for my ability to see the world through functional vision....to not let go of my independence and to not have to call on support and most especially, miss out on visually experiencing life.

The eye technician got a full dose of my frustration as I explained what has been happening with my right eye ~ non-transplant eye that is supposed to be able to wear a contact lens. And as well, with my left eye ~ which I refer to as not much more than a "wart on my face". The intense frustration at my lack of vision and progress was very apparent. Thankfully this delightful woman, who always greats me with a warm smile, was very understanding. And at least she didn't ask me to see the letter E....instead, while wearing my glasses, she had me try to read letters, which she understood that I could only really see by shape not by clarity. I told her "without my contact lens my vision only comes from my brain, my memory of shapes and forms, not my eyes." She replies to me, "I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing". My response to that was, "it is a bad thing....it is exhausting working the brain so hard to see."

Next, after waiting a bit, I proceeded into the specialist's office......the cornea looks clear, the medications seem to be working well, the transplant looks good....let's take out a couple stitches (most disgusting experience only compounded by the accidental slip and snapping sound from the tweezers which made me jump out of my skin....followed by his reply that you only heard that not felt that right?) Hmmm....everything looks great, you can reduce your drops....yet you are in excruciating pain when wearing your contact lens and you can't functionally see out of either eye unless you wear the lens. And all is good....NOT....at least not in my world. So of course I must pose the question ~ if all is good then why can't I wear my contact lens? Well, that is because of the peak in your cornea, the shape of it....which of course means the initial problem (not the blood vessels), the Kerataconus, is getting worse. Hence my inability to wear a contact lens....and therefore my inability to functionally see the world in several aspects of my life. So, one asks the question ~ how can he say things are good then....you can't see!!!!! Well, that is because he is a corneal transplant specialist....and since the cornea looks clear, is healing well and so far not rejecting....all is good in his world. Let's leave the vision up to the Optometrist.

So where does that leave me....other than feeling frustrated.....well a trip to a hopefully reassuring Optometrist, whom I adore, is in order. I am hoping that he can somewhat correct my vision with a new lens in my glasses for the transplant eye, since I can no longer wear the contact lens. If not....well, that leaves me crossing a bridge I am not sure I want to fully face yet.

So today the tears flowed freely....I wanted to kick and scream....stomp my feet....throw a full blown "why me" tantrum......or just curl up in a ball and forget that this is all happening to me. Yes, I ask the question....why can't this be the one time I am not atypical. The Leo in me usually thrives on being atypical and "beating to a different drummer"....pushing the boundaries....but this time, I just want to be normal. One of those people who come out of the transplant with better vision than before the transplant....who feels like they can see the world as they haven't seen it in a long time. But no....not me.....I am the atypical one....with the "reactive eyes" that heal differently than the norm.....where we are unsure of what lays ahead for me with regards to vision..... Hmmm...what I wouldn't give to be normal (who would have ever thought I'd utter those words?).

A few people were privy to my "rants" today.....and of course, the underlying message of support is ~ don't lose faith....don't lose hope....think positively. Oh, how that has been a struggle for me the last couple months in relation to my eyes.....how the frustration and fear has clouded over the hope and faith. So tonight, I sit here tears streaming down my face.....putting myself before you all, those who love me....and before my Higher Power.....asking for the hope and faith I need for my healing.... For the ability to embrace healing in whatever form that may come and to accept the words I have spoken so many times ~ whatever is intended will be......and to live by the words I have spoken many times ~ all I can do is embrace my cornea (and my non-transplant eye) and follow instructions to care for my eyes, to think positively and the rest is up to a power far greater than you or I.

So vision or no vision.....I ask you to help me continue to see clearly the blessings in life......not the hopelessness. And yes, that means I am asking for help....I need you my friends and my family members......

I Need You....

Those who know me well, know I am not one who tends to let my vulnerability show and I am most definitely not one who can easily say the words "I need help....I need support". I tend to be a strong-willed, independent person who is determined to do it on my own....in my own way. As far back as I can remember, and mom says I was always this way, I haven't been able to easily embrace offers of help or support and in fact viewed doing so as a sign of weakness.

Well tonight I sit here in a weak and very vulnerable state.....tears streaming down my face and having no ability to even see clearly the words I am typing. The reality of how much I have learned to embrace support from others hit me like a "ton of bricks" today. Along with it came the very real fear of my personal dependency on the support of some very significant people in my life....in the last couple months one person in particular, even beyond the support that many others have given me.

My visual and personal struggles this past year have put me in a place where I can't always do it on my own....a place where I have needed support and have had to reach out for help. This hasn't been an easy journey for me....and has definitely been compounded by my very deep rooted personal struggles with embracing support....with needing other people. There have been so many times over the last year where support has come when asked, and without my even asking.....where I have been "carried" when I needed it....where a hand has reached out to say "I am here for you".

I am now in a place where I am needing support more often. My physical visual struggles have been very acute. There are days I can hardly wear my contact lens.....my only link to being able to clearly visually connect to the world through my physical vision in my eyes. The pain has been intense in my non-transplant eye and my transplant eye seems to be "non-existent" (for a lack of a better word). The transplant eye is just there....not functioning...not hurting.....just there, but not really noticeable or functional. The reality of feeling my visual world slip further and further away has been challenging to say the least. To go from being able to be independent, see the world through my eyes and do most things with ease has been altered and continues to be reduced more and more everyday. This very real experience is absolutely terrifying.....everything in me wants to be able to see the words I am typing in this entry......everything in me wants to be able to sit down and do the jigsaw puzzle on my dining table with ease, with vision, not by touch.....everything in me wants to be able to get in my van and drive where I need to go....everything in me wants to experience the world with visual clarity so that when my child says to me "look at what I did" ~ I can truly see it....everything in me wants to be able to see my daughter's loose tooth progression (yes, even though loose teeth absolutely gross me out)......everything in me clings to the few glimmers of clarity of physical vision I have and grieves the vision I no longer have and loss of independence that has come with it.

As mentioned above, I have come to depend very much so on a very remarkable person in my life.....someone who has been my eyes in so many ways over the last several months. Someone who has willingly stepped up and offered support in ways beyond measure.....who has spent countless hours driving the children and I around when I am unable to see......someone who has provided emotional and physical support to myself, my children and my household ~ who is able to help carry the load when I need someone to share the weight (and even when I don't). The very real dependence on the support of this remarkable person who has come to mean the world to me.....not only through my eyes....but through my heart....through everything I am...is terrifying for this "independent" woman to face. The very real fear of can I ever do it on my own and would I ever want to, has consumed my every thought today......because yes, I need you.....in ways that are truly immeasurable.

I know many of you reading this will say....I know you, I know your strength.....and I know that regardless you will do it....with or without support. And when you need support you will find it in ways that will not compromise who you are. You will face your life with strength and yes, my friend as you said to me the other day ~ with integrity. YES.....I do hear your words....and I know their truth....but today, this very vulnerable person who is feeling the incredible depth of needing another person is scared because she isn't so sure she wants to ever face a reality of needing so much that she becomes dependent.

So my friends, my family.....I DO NEED YOU!!!! And today as I type this, despite my fears, I am willing to forever embrace the countless ways you all provide me with support.....and in turn I offer you my hand......to hold, to give you support......and I offer you my heart filled with love....and my spirit that will be eternally grateful for the blessing you are in my life.

The Blessing of Friendship

As is frequently the case when I write a blog entry, I did an internet search for a quote in relation to the topic of my entry ~ friendship. I found many quotes and a few tugged at my "heart strings" and instead of incorporating them into the body of my entry I will just list the favourites I found so that the depth of my entry can stand on its own.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meaning that a new world is born" ~ Anais Nin

Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world" ~ John Evelyn

A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world" ~ Leo Buscaglia

The language of friendship is not words but meanings" ~ Henry David Thoreau

True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation" ~ George Washington

Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence" ~ Sydney Smith

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your friend will be there.

And finally, the quote that has the greatest significance in relation to my personal journey....

"True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes."

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When I reflect back upon the past year or so, I see a journey that has been filled with many changes and challenges.....as well as being filled with many blessings. I am truly blessed in many ways....most especially by the gift of true friendship with some very amazing people (yes, I am using that amazing word because you are amazing ~ don't roll your eyes at me!) My ability to travel through my journey has been enriched by the presence of friendship....sure, many would say I'd make it anyway....I'd do it anyway....because of who I am.....but in truth, I am not so sure....there have been many times friendship has "carried" me when I couldn't "walk" on my own.

I have been truly blessed with the gift of friends who....

~ hold my hand when I need it held

~ listen when I need to share

~ give me a shoulder to cry on

~ hold me in an embrace that helps make the pain more tolerable

~ give me strength when I can't find it myself

~ laugh with me, cry with me and share with me

~ drop off special care packages when I need a "pick me up"

~ be patient with me when I need time

~ understand me and when they can't, they accept me anyway

~ share their "words of wisdom" with me

~ lend a helping hand when I need it....most especially offering rides for myself of the children when my eyes are acting up

~ show genuine concern

~ treat me as a member of their family

~ spending an hour or two or more just hanging out with me when I need the presence of another person

~ celebrate life's blessings with me

~ process life's endings with me

~ find that "perfect" quote, gift, memento that will "speak volumes" to the essence of who I am

~ are my eyes when I struggle to see

~ love me as I am in this moment.......

I could create an endless list of blessings that come into my life as a result of friendship. Because I am truly blessed beyond measure. I am so thankful for the amazing gift of friendship in my life.

The final quote in my list of quotes ~ "True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes" carries such significant meaning for me in light of my visual struggles this past year. It is hard to believe it has been almost a year since I heard the words "you are facing blindness".....the day the way I saw the world changed forever. No longer will I take for granted the ability to see with the eyes......and the ability to experience the world through the heart, because for as long as I am alive, regardless of what vision I have, I know I will always be able to experience the world through my heart. My journey of connecting with the essence of who I am.....the heart of my being.....became that much more significant.....because in order for that heart to be where my purest form of vision comes from I needed to truly understand that heart. Many friends have shared that journey with me.....the journey of finding the essence of self.....the heart of my being......and have played roles so significant in my life that they cannot be justly put into words.......the best way to say it is ~ the heart of who I am will be eternally grateful for the many blessings of friendship I have in my life......I see the value of true friendship like I have never visualized it before.

Thank you my amazing friends.....I love you!

Moments in sand, moments in rock....

"Write your troubles in the sand,

and your blessings in stone."

A friend of mine sent me this thought provoking story...

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument ~ and one friend slapped the other in the face.

The one who got slapped, was hurt, but without saying anything wrote in the sand ~ "Today my best friend slapped me in the face."

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning.

But the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone ~ "Today my best friend saved my life."

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him ~ "after I hurt you, your wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone, why?"

The friend replied ~ "when someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

My journey has been filled with many "hurts" and "benefits". As is the case for everyone, I have had my moments filled with a mixture of troubles and blessings. I have spent the last while thinking about how I choose to face those hurts, the troubles....how I can find forgiveness of others and most of all, of self. To write those hurts, the troubles, the struggles in sand and have them be "erased" away by the winds of time, washed away by the ocean, seems almost too "simple". My personal experience has taught me that it isn't quite as simple as it sounds, but it is a vital part of our health in our journey. Our greatest, healthiest focus in life should be on our "blessings", our "benefits"....the permanence of these, embedded in the solidness of rock, are what will carry us through our journey. The troubles in life, although affect us deeply, are more fluid...they vary much more so with time and experiences and in order to move forward we can't cling to them as we can to the rocks of blessings. We can't cling to hurts, regrets, troubles and struggles...yes, we need to face them, acknowledge them and then do our best to release them. Most often this releasing is done through forgiveness ~ of others and of self.

I am choosing to live my life in the healthiest way I possibly can in this moment....to recognize my blessings, of which I have many....to work through my struggles, my hurts, my troubles with integrity, honesty, acknowledgement and eventually forgiveness. To recognize that I have done the best I can....and that each struggle, no matter how painful, is a part of who I am....but not the foundation of the essence of my being.....that foundation is built on the rock of blessing ~ the blessing of existence, of being created as I am at the core of my being.