Life's Many "Hats"....

"I feel like I am wearing 100 hats....each one representing a piece of myself....so as overwhelming as they may feel, I don't know which ones to let go."

Speaking those words to my friend yesterday made me think of the book "Caps for Sale" by Esphyr Slobodkina. This book is about a peddler who sells caps and carries his wares on top of his head. In order to do so, he has to travel ever so carefully so as not to upset his caps. It makes me think of the "balancing" act required when wearing so many hats at once.

Yesterday the overwhelming feeling from balancing so many "hats" was dominant for me. I was struggling to find clarity regarding which "hats" to keep on top of my head....keep most present in my life at this moment in time. Each hat represents a certain aspect or relationship in my life and in many ways are equally important. So how can I put a hat on the "hat rack" or the "shelf" without feeling like I am giving up a piece of myself? Yet, there is no possible way I can wear all the hats at once....it is just way too challenging to do so.

As I sit here tonight reflecting on the many hats in my life and what each one brings into my life....how each one is unique and serves a special purpose in my life....I feel blessed to have so many hats to enrich my life, while at the same time feeling overwhelmed by the "balancing" they require. Some hats bring fun and laughter, some provide safety, some provide comfort, some add colour into my life, some are intriguing, some are challenging and don't always "fit" right, some provide shelter, some are "plain" and predictable, others are flamboyant and ever changing....and many are a balance of several qualities.

The "hats" in my life make life interesting....they provide enrichment in my journey, even if they are challenging to wear at times....because each one offers a different perspective and opportunity for learning and experiencing life and for expression.

Some of the hats in my life are very new, while others are worn....some have served their purpose in my life and are no longer as present in my life (perhaps even put on the shelf in a special keepsake box)....some I will always require....and some I have yet to discover their purpose. Regardless of the role each of my "100 hats" plays in my life....I know that they all are placed upon my head for a reason and when their natural time in my life is complete they will be placed upon the shelf, yet never completely forgotten....because they will forever be a part of the essence of who I am.

Happy Spring.....

If we had no winter,

the spring would not be so pleasant;

if we did not sometimes taste of adversity,

prosperity would not be so welcome.

~ Anne Bradstreet

Well spring is officially here! (although by this BC West Coast weather you'd never know it!)

For those who are regular readers of my blog you may recall my post on the "The Seasons of Life", how the seasons reflect different stages of our lives.

As I enter into this spring season ~ the time of newness and rejuvenation I do so after a period of being within myself....a period of deep reflection and a need to hibernate....a season of winter. In part as a need for physical healing, and in part because it was a necessary "season" in my life. Now as I anticipate the glory of "rejuvenation"....of "growth"....as the world comes alive in a rainbow of colour and smells....I feel that same sense within myself. There is a "lightness" in my spirit, that is beginning to replace the "heaviness" that I have felt for the last several months of winter. Is that lightness perhaps representative of "hope"....very likely.....and perhaps spring in itself represents hope....that darkness can be replaced by light, that dreary can be replaced by colour, that that which is hidden can be found, that the cycle of life in all nature's wonders continues. That light, life and hope surround us ~ all we have to do is look for it...it is still there in the times where it isn't so obvious, during the dreary, reflective days of winter....but in spring it is like a "neon reminder sign". The sign that reminds us to rejoice in the blessings of today!!! To feel that incredible feeling of hope.....of the opportunities that today brings....to feel alive in mind, body, spirit and heart.

An optimist is the human personification of spring.

Susan J. Bissonette

This particular quote seems fitting for what I am relating spring to.....to that optimism that a person who feels hope lives by.....those same feelings that spring brings.

So my beautiful friends.....embrace spring and the hope that it offers....the beauty of this amazing world that we are blessed to inhabit.....the wonderful people who touch our lives....and most of all the magnificent wonder of being you ~ created and designed to reflect beauty of creation......one who is destined to leave a mark on this world simply by being. Live in hope.....that your life holds so much potential for you to realize....that light always replaces darkness.

And yes my beautiful friend ~ Hope does float......the lightness in my spirit, despite all the challenges that life brings, tells me so...because that lightness (the buoyancy) can only come from that place of HOPE I am sure.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast:

Man never is, but always to be blessed.

Alexander Pope

You Are Worthy...

Hey "dollface" ~ this one's for you! I LOVE YOU!!!!

" You are always a valuable and worthwhile human being ~ not because somebody says so, not because you are successful, not because you make a lot of money ~ but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason."

~ Wayne Dyer

"Self-worth" ~ a concept many of us struggle with...one that I constantly refer to in my personal journey. The concepts of "self-love" and "self-worth" have been forefront in many of the choices and paths that I have chosen to explore this past year or so. I have spent a lifetime struggling with those concepts, as many of us do. There are days I see great gain in these areas and then there are days where I struggle greatly to have that faith in myself, that belief in my worth and that I am truly lovable.

Human nature (as they call it) and societal influences have created this "illusion" that our worth and purest of love can be attained through external measures. There is the pressure to "climb the corporate ladder"...to achieve status within the business world. To be financially successful, because then you are truly worthy....you are envied. There is the pressure to colour your hair, whiten your teeth, get cosmetic surgery, purchase the "trendiest fashions"...so that you can look "perfect"....because then you must be truly worthy....everyone will love you! There is the pressure to create a certain lifestyle...what is it they say have the house with a white picket fence, with 2.5 kids (how do you have a half a kid)...because then you are living the "All American Dream"....the fairytale with your "prince charming"! There is the pressure to donate this, volunteer our time, give of ourselves to others before our self because then we are truly worthy.....not selfish. And of course my latest ultimate "favourite" there is the pressure to "conform" to "community" standards and views, to not differ from the "norm"....to follow what other's deem to be the "good path" because then you are truly worthy and lovable....anything different and well....you just aren't good enough.

These pressures create conflict, confusion and stress in our lives. We are all designed unique...not designed to conform, to fit in, to be just like others, to follow a path that others deem righteous. We focus our energy on gaining worth through means which we will never fully achieve because there is "always better" instead of finding our worth from within.

I spent years trying to "fit in"...yet stand out in my own unique way at the same time....to be important. I have lived my life trying to create the illusion of a perfect life, being a perfect person and living up to other's expectations. I truly believed my worth was gained through my status and other people's views. And when I felt that I didn't live up to such standards, I felt like a failure, that I was worthless and unlovable. I was constantly putting on a "mask" in order to be the "right person"....and inside I was struggling to understand who that "real person" was. In that state of conflict you end up feeling like you are either stuck going nowhere, or spinning around and around with no clarity or truth in your life....you, in essence, end up hating yourself because you don't even know who you are. Finally you hit the "breaking point" ~ the choice between "life or death" in the sense of true living coming from living in a place of truth, of love for yourself, of finding your worth from within...instead of being a "mannequin" going through the motions.

It is a daily struggle to find that self-worth, and even more so, that self-love....but I see it more frequently now. I have chosen to take care of my mind, body, spirit and heart. I have tried to make healthy choices and live without my "masks". I choose to love myself....to feel worthy....simply because I am created!

My friends....know that you are worthy, know that you are lovable....because you are designed to be YOU....however you may look, think and be!

Answers....or more questions....

For those who have been reading my blog the past week or so, you know that I have faced significant struggles with my eyes. Perhaps, the greatest struggles I have faced so far.

Yesterday I went to the specialist for my "progress" check. The appointment went as I expected.....

My left eye (the transplant eye) has not changed at all. There is no improvement in vision still. I must admit that I am very frustrated by this lack of progress....but I have to remember healing doesn't always come in "my time". I was thankful that they didn't ask me to see the letter "E" on the wall......not quite the intense feeling of failure this time around.

As for my right eye, my good eye, it has been acting up for the last 11 days now. I made sure to inform them of the significance of this round of "acting up". They did a thorough check of both eyes and as I expected my right eye is not looking healthy at all. It is literally filled with blood vessels right now (not a good thing). The specialist has put me on oral steroids and has switched my drops for that eye to be the same as my left eye (from 0.1% to 1%). Hopefully this will settle the vessels...because the outcome otherwise could very likely be loss of vision completely in that eye.

As I read back through my previous posts and think about this episode of acting up....I am faced yet again with the brutal reality that Helen Keller speaks of....experience life through your senses as if it may be the last time you are doing so. What a humbling thought......

For now....I will continue to faithfully do my drops, take care of myself (mentally, physically and emotionally) and will remain positive in my thoughts. That is all I can do....the rest is up to a power far greater than you or I.

Blessings everyone......live your life for today.....embrace the richness of it!

What if?

"I who am blind can give one hint to those who can see: use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be stricken blind. And the same method can be applied to the other senses. Hear the music of voices, the song of a bird, the mighty strains of an orchestra as if you would be stricken deaf tomorrow. Touch each object as if tomorrow your tactile sense would fail. Smell the perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel as if tomorrow you could never smell and taste again. Make the most of every sense, glory in all the facets of pleasure and beauty which the world reveals to you through the several means of contact which nature provides."
~ Helen Keller

It has been over a week since I last wrote an entry....wow...what a week it has been. In my last entry I wrote about the struggles with my vision I was facing, with my only good eye acting up. This past week, the above quote has held even greater significance for me. I spent the entire week struggling with my vision, in pain and fighting within myself. Yesterday was the first day I was able to wear my contact lens for most of the day. Although my eye is still very sore and red....so I know it is still not healthy....it was nice to be able to see again. There were days I questioned the very real fear of what if I was not going to be able to see again....I was reminded on a very real level to see the world as if looking at it for the last time.

I appreciate Helen Keller's views very much so. Life is meant to be embraced, not just "buy / pass time". There is no greater way to experience the world than through experiencing it as if doing so for the last time. Instead though, we often find ourselves just going through the motions of the day, trying get as much done as we can instead of experiencing the moments as gifts. And then when we are faced with losing those moments we say to ourselves ~ "if only" or "what if".

What if you were to lose one of your senses tomorrow? What would you do differently today? Or would you do anything differently? Would you stop and look at the flowers beginning to bloom, letting us know the newness of Spring is upon us? Would you really look into the eyes of a loved one as you hold them tight...taking all of them in? Would you listen, truly listen, to the song that your little one sings as she dances around the living room? Would you hold the hand of, embrace, the person you see who needs compassion and love...instead of thinking you have to do "this" before you have the time to reach out? Would you savour every bite of your meal...instead of gobbling it down before heading out the door? Would you stop and breathe in the crisp air, taking in the smells of it as if filling your body with it for the last time? Would you touch, taste, smell, see and hear life as if memorizing it....taking it in fully....because it may be the last time you get that experience? Yes....what would you do today if you knew you may not be able to do or experience it tomorrow?

Rejoice in the blessing of today....take it all in.....and truly LIVE life! :)

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ~ Mahatma Ghandi

(BG....if you are reading this...send me an email via my link if you want...updates will be easier that way. I hope you are doing ok.)

Distorted Vision....

Today as I sit here typing this I can hardly read a word I am typing....forgive me if it isn't coherent. It has been a weekend full of distorted vision.

For the first time since my corneal transplant in my left eye, just over 3 months ago, I am faced with the challenge of my right eye "acting up". I have spent the weekend in a blur.....I am unable to wear my right contact lens (the only eye I can see out of) and have struggled to function all weekend as a result. The pain in my right eye is excruciating and my entire body feels filled with intense agitation.....as if it is fighting itself. I can hardly tell how the left eye is doing because the pain in the right eye is so severe.

It is through experiences like this that we gain greater empathy for others who struggle on a daily basis with pain, illness ~ their body fighting itself. To those who have never experienced that feeling....the body fighting itself....there isn't word I could use to describe this almost surreal experience....the physical and psychological reactions are so intense, you can feel the fight travel throughout your entire body and it isn't a pleasant feeling, in fact it is a very terrifying feeling.

So...where am I going with all this ~ you know I am not one to just "whine" or "vent" without a purpose......

The struggle I am facing with my vision this weekend reminds me of one of my favourite vision quotes ~

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

~ Carl Jung

With this lack of clarity in vision this weekend, is it possible my body is telling me to look inside myself. To find the answer to why my vision seems so distorted. This week many truths have been realized and I believe I have experienced clarity in many areas of my life. So, why would I struggle so much this weekend with my vision. Despite the clarity in some areas of my life, I have faced struggles with several relationships in my life this week. Clarity, expectations, depth and boundaries have seemed quite unclear. There are perhaps things said, and unsaid that are creating misalignment in relationships. Could that possibly be the reason? Or is there something much deeper than that where my body is feeling the need to fight itself.....to distort my vision and cause me to reflect. Or is this merely a taste of what my true vision struggle could be like ~ that thought terrifies me.....to be so dependent on others just to function in life.

Regardless....I know that vision ~ external and from within is an incredible gift. One we should not take for granted.

Thanks for listening, sharing and being willing to help bring clarity into my life when I struggle to find it myself. I am off to fiddle with the aperture and "soul search" to see if I can find some clarity of vision........

Love you all! :)