Taking a Giant Step...

Wow...is all I can really say!

I just wrote the blog on the fact that faith is being able to take the first step when you can't see the whole staircase...and now here I am having to take that step in the biggest possible way! There is no turning back for me now...I am heading up or is it down the staircase...either way you look at it, I am taking the step of faith...the leap of faith!

I got the call regarding my transplant 14 hours ago...and I will be having my corneal transplant surgery at 10:45 in the morning, yes 8 hours and 45 minutes from now.

Words cannot describe the complexities of thoughts and emotions that I am experiencing. Those who have shared this journey with me know how much I have wrestled with the emotional aspects of this surgery...with taking on another's "vision". Today I was richly blessed by a response from a friend that has carried me through this day and will continue to carry me throughout this journey, because this response touched the essence of who I am. I was understood in a way that most people crave to be understood and was given the supportive words that reached to the depths of my being...the words I needed to hear.

It is your heart and your soul, along with your brain...that is where your vision truly comes from...your sight comes from your eyes...your heart, mind and soul will define the "picture" given to you by just a different aperture...sort of like a camera...any lens will take the picture...the body defines it.

I am an incredibly richly blessed person...I have been given the opportunity for the gift sight...of not losing my sight...and with that and the strength of who I am, the words of wisdom that have touched me so deeply, I will not lose my vision! I am so immensely thankful for the many friends I have...those who have shared and will share this journey with me...those who love me as I am! I am not sure why I deserve to be blessed so richly...but I am thankful that I am. It will be by the Grace of God and the love of friends that will carry me on this journey during the times when I am afraid to walk on my own that I will travel this staircase! I love you all so much!

Carpe diem...seize the day and all the rich blessings it has to offer!

One Foot in Front of The Other

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." -Martin Luther King Jr.

I am a person who loves quotes and I frequently find myself searching online through the many quote sites that can be found within the wonderful realm of cyberspace. I am drawn to the wisdom, depth and inspiration that is found within these timeless treasures. I wasn't surprised to find myself really connecting to the quote above.

For those of you who chat with me on msn, you have likely noticed that I have this particular Martin Luther King Jr.'s quote listed in my "tagline". When I found it, I felt like it was speaking the words on my heart and mind. It was the nudge I needed to remember to have faith! It has now become one of my favourite mantra's.

Faith...it is a measure of confidence and belief in ability. There have been many times, over the last several months in particular, that I have felt less than confident, in fact have felt very little faith. In the place where faith lay within me, I was filled with hopelessness...a dark and scary place where just having the ability to face the day with one foot in front of the other took every ounce of that glimmer of faith still flickering within me to do so.

There are so many unknowns in life...times when we can't see the whole staircase and that sense can be absolutely terrifying for many people, especially a person who thrives on control like I do. I am a planner, someone who makes lists, thinks ahead, assesses the situation....and to be faced with not being able to see the whole staircase makes everything in me want to turn, run and hide.

When I think about the many partial staircases in my life right now, many where I can barely see that first step, I know that the only way I will be able to move forward is to fill myself with faith, otherwise the fear will consume me and I won't be able to take that necessary step and will become paralyzed waiting at the bottom, or perhaps the top of the staircase.

I will rely on that glimmer of faith that still burns within me to help me take that step and each step thereafter...and hopefully somewhere along the lines of being able to see more and more of that staircase I will develop the confidence and belief in ability that will be necessary to get me through my journey.

To those of you who have faith in me, when I can't see it myself, I thank you for loving me, supporting me and for being patient with me as I take each and every step on the staircase!

Rays of Sunshine

The sun is shining today in all its magnificient splendor....what a pleasant reprieve after a week of storms.

Last night as I drove a friend home at 3 a.m. the world was calm and quiet and the sky had a beautiful reddish hue to it...as if sending a promise of hope for a brighter morning to come! And it did...enjoying watching a game of soccer while feeling the warmth of the sun and seeing the world through each ray of light that the sun provided, I couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth from within. The majestic freshly snow covered mountains provided a pleasant backdrop on the horizon as I spent my time enjoying the beauty of a sunny day!

Of course my complex brain couldn't help but relate the beauty of the day and the sense of calmness after a week of violent storms to the complexities of life. Mother nature has an incredible ability to provide us with a complex variety of environmental stimuli and sometimes the storms she provides can be so terrifying and challenging to face and then in the next breath she provides light and hope. Day to day I find myself and those I care about facing their own "weather patterns" from within...some days are so dark, dreary and hard to face with intense storms brewing inside and then there are the days where we feel a lightness, a sense of hope, warmth and calm from within.

And then there are the amazing rays of sunshine that are brought into our lives through our connections with other people...these brilliant rays of sunshine light up even the darkest of our days. I was truly blessed this week to meet and connect with some brilliant rays of sunshine...people who brought light and joy into my life this week through some wonderful conversations and newfound developing relationships. While at the same time being blessed with the constant warmth of friendship through the brilliant rays of sunshine that were already a part of my life.

For those closest to me...they are well aware of the dark storms that I have had brewing inside of me, especially for the past couple weeks, and even though I had some of my very darkest days within those storms, I was able to feel the warmth, love, and light from the many people who have supported me this week. And today, as I reflect on the darkness of the week and the days that are to come...the light from the rays of sunshine has brought me to a place where I can say...what a truly blessed week I have had...one that despite the storms outside and within, was filled with brilliant rays of sunshine.

Light within the Darkness

For the past couple weeks I have experienced the darkest place I have been in for a very long time...not that I am a stranger to darkness...but these last 2 weeks things have been harder, darker, and the muck has definitely been deeper. As I sit here tonight I know that I am fully immersed within the muck of my journey...in fact, feeling like the muck has turned to quicksand and I am sinking...and the only thing that helps pull me back up is the light within the darkness. It is a place where you feel very stuck...you have no idea where to go to move forward, yet everything in you knows without a shadow of a doubt that you can't turn back.

What is the light I speak of within the darkness...it is the light that comes from recognizing the many blessings in my life and the special little things that make this journey worthwhile. It is the amazing friend who shows up with a container of Chai tea when we meet for coffee because Tim Hortons on Annacis Island doesn't serve Chai tea...the light that shines from this incredible gesture radiates through my darkness. It is the look of pure and simple joy on my father's face when he opens up his gift of jujubes...his favourite candy! Light shines as a result of the sound of laughter coming from my 4 year old daughter as she squeals with delight at being chased by her older cousin! It is the wonderful day spent with a friend attending church together and then enjoying the most amazing butter chicken and Chai latte afterwards. My darkness is illuminated because of the friend who shows up with a hug and a special "care package" just when I need it the most. Light shines through the love that is a significant part of a family gathering or time spent with friends. It is the friend who will listen to all the hard stuff and provide the love and support without judgment. It is the amazing friend who loves you wearing your sweats...no need to put on your "finest" because they are able to see the beauty, that you yourself may not even be able to see, regardless of what you wear. It is the "you got mail" message that pops up and brightens your day. It is the giant hug from one of my children, friends or family members that says "I love you". It is the music that fills my soul and tells a story so close to my heart. It is the friend who even when they don't fully understand your self-destructive and self-mutilating behaviour, will support you and love you. When I stop to think about the many places of light within the darkness the list becomes endless and strung together these moments light up even the darkest of days...

To my many family members and friends who bring light into my life in ways that are truly immeasurable and could never be fully described in a simple blog...I love you so very much. Thank you for shining your light in my life and for pulling me out of the muck when I find myself sinking...for helping me to believe that even in the darkest of days this journey is truly worth experiencing!

Wallowing...to be or not to be a pig...

Have you ever felt so hurt and confused that it hurt to breath? And that with every breath you took the tears flowed freely...your heart ached so much it felt like it was being crushed...putting one foot in front of the other took everything in you...and your head was spinning completely out of control. The other day when I shared with my friends those feelings and that I didn't see any way out of them, my friends loved and supported me and told me that I was allowed to spend a day wallowing..."but I am NOT a pig" I cried out to them...

Wallowing....defined in the Collins dictionary as:

1. If you say someone is wallowing in an unpleasant situation; you are criticizing them for being deliberately unhappy.
2. If a person or animal wallows in water or mud, they lie or roll about in it slowly for pleasure.

Hmmm...where did my circumstances fit within those definitions...I suppose somewhat under them both...

I was definitely in a very unpleasant situation...a very dark and scary place filled with intense sadness and confusion... But was that situation deliberate? As a complex created human form, I have been blessed, as we all have been, with the freedom, ability and opportunity of choice. Each step I take on my journey is filled with a vast array of potential choices...and sometimes the choice is easy to make, other times it is more difficult and confusing. So, was that situation deliberate...my choices that influenced the situation were deliberate, although the outcome of those choices weren't clear at the time of making them (they seldom are)... which, by the natural influence of choice makes my situation somewhat deliberate.

Was I deriving pleasure from wallowing in the mud or water (muck) as I rolled about in it? I have often referred to my journey as a very mucky journey...one that often requires "hip waders" at times because the muck is too deep. So, as I travel on my journey through the muck I suppose there are times when you could say that I feel pleasure within that muck and sometimes even feel safe within that muck, especially if it is a place that I have been in before because I know what to expect. And sometimes the pleasure filled muck brings about more muck which in the end can turn into a not so pleasant experience. The ultimate hope for this journey through the muck would be best described as finding peace, awareness and love of self...do those things bring pleasure? If they do, then I suppose I am a "pig" wallowing in the muck in hopes of finding that pleasure that the pig seeks from the muck.

Looking at the two definitions, they describe contrasting emotions...unpleasant and pleasure. Very much like the journey of life... As we experience the days that we are blessed with, we will experience both of these emotions on a frequent basis...we will in fact spend time, like the pig, wallowing...sometimes for pleasure and sometimes feeling stuck in an unpleasant situation.

I know that my friends were referring to that feeling of being stuck when they said to me "quit wallowing and come join us out of the muck" because I was in a place where I was stuck, I could see no hope... As I write this tonight my dear friends...I am still stuck wallowing in those hopeless feelings and I will continue to roll about in the muck in hopes that I will find the strength to join you in that neutral place and perhaps then I will be able to experience pleasurable wallowing.

"To be or not to be a pig"...as much as I adamantly said to my friends "I am not a pig"...truthfully, my hope is to be like the pig where I will experience pleasure from my wallowing instead of these intense feelings of pain and hopelessness as a result of an unpleasant situation.

To those who put on "hip waders" and travel through the muck with me and those who provide that place of refuge out of the muck...I love you all!

Definitely Not "Rubber Necking"

Well...this has been quite the year my beautiful friend...

One of the most important people in my life and I have been sharing our journey for many years...a journey that has taken us to deeper levels over the past year or so...sometimes so deep that we need "hip waders" to get through the "muck". Those highs, lows and in betweens that we share has only solidified the depth of our friendship.

So my friend, to you I say...I share this journey with you because I love you...there isn't any "rubber necking" going on here! You are one of the most amazing women I know...your depth and insight in your ability to see and process the world; your loving heart; your kind and caring spirit; your creative soul; the way you make me laugh, smile and how you share the times of anger and sorrow with me; how you hold my hand when I need you; how you challenge me when I need it the most (yet often resist it); how you have allowed me into your life and heart and shared with me your journey; how we can share an enriching walk, a fantastic workout, a delicious chai tea, savour some amazing chocolate, sit and chat or watch tv or have an energetic evening; and most of all because of the light that you bring into my life...all of these things and more enrich my life because you are a part of it...they are a part of what makes you the amazing person I know you to be (I know I could go on and on about how much you mean to me...) I believe with all my heart that you were brought into my life as a blessing to enrich it and share it...forever I will love you my friend.

So on this dreary, wet weekend we won't let anything stand in the way of celebrating this journey we have traveled on this past year (albeit mucky journey)...we will put on our finest pair of boots and CELEBRATE...celebrate another year that those of us who are fortunate enough to know you have been blessed with you in our lives...as you celebrate another year that you have been blessed with the gift of being able to experience your journey! HAPPY BIRTHDAY friend...I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!

Strength of the Heart

I had an amazing workout last night with my dear friend...yes, sweetie...I can FEEL it today! ;-)

I always love working out with someone who has a clearer understanding of the body...last night's lesson's focus (in relation to physical fitness) was on opposing muscles. My friend said to me "you need to work the opposing muscle, by doing so both muscles will be stronger". I came home feeling the wonderful affects of a great workout and began to ponder that statement...yes, me...can't just take it as it is but I have to dig through it deeper...where is that "off button". So my question is....

What is the opposing muscle of the heart?

Today, especially, every ounce of my being desires the answer to that question. So I asked a few people...and the answer they came up with is the one that comes to my own mind...the mind. But the mind isn't a muscle.... So I googled my question...and found no answer there (I thought you could get an answer for anything on google).

Today my heart is feeling very weak and my mind is on overdrive... Is a mind on overdrive a sign of strength or weakness? Because if there is a correlation between the strength of the mind and heart and if overdrive is a sign of strength my heart should feel stronger. Instead, I feel like every ounce of strength has been depleted from my heart... My weak heart aches for strength and it feels so full of love for others (perhaps that is the small piece of strength left)...but is so void of love for self. Is it that loss of love for self that makes the heart weak or is it the weak heart that makes us feel the loss of love for self?

As we dance, and sometimes fumble, through this journey many of us focus our energy on building a strong and healthy mind, body and spirit...where does the strong heart fall within those areas of focus? Perhaps the heart's strength comes from all three... a strong mind, body and spirit. So, maybe the heart is so complex that there truly is no opposing muscle for it...but if there is, and you know what it is, please share it with me and I'll do some work on building it! Because this weak heart is aching for strength...

An Off Switch

Thinking is what is on my mind today...as I sit here sipping my chai tea after a very sleepless night...I am lucky if I got 2 hours of sleep last night!

Last night, as I lay there staring into space, willing sleep to come but unable to calm my mind enough that it would enter and again as I sit here typing this I can't help but think to myself...I wonder what it would be like to have an off switch? Laying there at 3:00 a.m. after spending a couple hours of attempting to sleep I kept telling myself over and over, "I really must sleep, I have to be up in a couple hours and be able to face the day"...but no matter how much I willed sleep to come, it wouldn't, my mind was too full and the thoughts were spinning through it at record speed. From the conversations I have had this week, to the daily activities, the struggles and joys that I am facing or the struggles and joys that my friends are facing, the events of the past and even to the amazing workout I had at the gym.

So what would it be like to have an off switch? Would it take away from life's experiences? Would we miss out on some valuable learning opportunities that could enrich or change our lives? How would we view the world if we could turn our thoughts off at any given moment?
Hmmm...perhaps an off switch isn't the best thing...you may just miss out on fully experiencing life...maybe it is better to work through it even if it means the next day you may be sleep deprived (good thing I don't need much sleep!).

Or on the flip side of the coin...perhaps an off switch would be a good thing...it could bring peace to a mind that can't be quieted...I can think of several lives that may have been saved if the person had experienced calming peace within their mind. Thankfully so far, for the most part, I can appreciate the possibilities within the chaos of a spinning mind...

The Seasons of Life

It is one of those magnificent autumn days today…the air is crisp, the sun is shining and you can almost feel the transformation occurring. It is one of my favourite times of year. I love the sight of the leaves changing and looking at their amazing rainbow of warm colours. Then there is the sound of the leaves crunching as you walk through them and the sound of preparations for the cooler temperatures and shorter days as we welcome autumn and say goodbye to the long, hot days of summer. There is a distinct smell in the air at this time of year…you can almost smell the changes occurring…the smell of the crisp air that greets you the moment you step out your door to embrace the beauty of autumn.

My close friend and I often talk about how our lives and phases in it mirror the seasons of the year. Different times of life are often referred to as “seasons of life”. When you look at the annual seasons you see how each one offers up a different purpose and experience.

Autumn is a time of transformation in which change occurs as a natural cycle of life. The trees shed their leaves in preparation for the winter months ahead and as they do so they transform into magnificent colours.
Winter brings with it cooler temperatures and weather that keeps us inside, unless we choose to brave the elements. This time inside becomes a time for connecting and reflecting with one’s self and for bringing family and friends together. Those times are how we make it through the, sometimes dreary, days of winter. Things move so much slower during winter…a time for rest.
Spring brings with it a time of newness and rejuvenation. The environment and people seem to come alive again…this is often referred to as “spring fever”. The colours of everything around us becomes that much brighter…and green, a colour representative of growth, is predominant. New leaves are formed, the grass grows green again and colourful flowers begin to come up from the earth and blossom and the animals have their young to continue the cycle of life.
Summer brings with it heat and longer days that allow us the opportunity to get out and experience life to it’s fullest. Summer is often the time for vacations, relaxation and fun! In summer you can hear the excitement all around you as people take advantage of its opportunities.

So as the seasons represent unique opportunities and experiences, so too does the different phases of our lives. Whether it is a time of transformation and change; reflection, rest and connecting; newness and rejuvenation; or fun and relaxation…each phase of life offers up an experience unique to it. Of course, the seasons of life are much more complex than I have outlined here and experiences and opportunities often overlap (as do the seasons during their time of transition), you will likely find there is one dominant “theme” in whatever phase of life you happen to be in right now. Whatever season you are in right now....my wish for you is that you are making the most out of what it has to offer you and that you are embracing it with the intention to live it to its fullest potential.