Am I Ready?

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

One year and four months ago I wrote a blog entitled "One Foot in Front of the Other" utilizing the above quotation. Now I find myself sitting in that same spot where the quote is running through my head as if trying to remind me of something I am feeling very unsure of....that I can have faith, that I have the strength within me to have faith and take that step. Perhaps, it isn't my first step, but it is one of those early ones....one of the first big steps where you branch out to brave the "world" and what it holds for you.

My spirit is consumed with fear and reluctance. I am feeling very unsure about whether or not I want to open that door that leads to the staircase. Perhaps I don't want the answers, maybe I am not ready to face the truth. Maybe I am not quite ready to completely hang up my "masks" for good. Oh, those masks, the many ones I have that serve me so very well. You know the ones where nobody can really see inside you and instead they see only what you want them to see, what you want them to believe, because the fear of them seeing the "real you" is far too great? We all have them; we all use them from time to time. But for those of us who face those inner demons, the voices that taunt us, the messages that play over and over...well, we use them often. Our masks of armour. For if you cannot see me, you cannot hurt me.

Isn't that what we did when we were afraid, we hid underneath our bed for fear that the monster that lives in the closet might get us if he sees us. Or when we faced a new situation or had to greet a new face we would hide behind our mother in fear, trying to get up the courage to face that fear. Well here I am 35 years old, taller than my mother so I can't hide behind her and I don't fit underneath the bed....where am I to hide other than behind my masks? And who am I hiding from....the people out there in the world....in my closest most intimate circle, in my acquaintance circle, in the passerby circle....or am I hiding from myself?

I have spent a lifetime trying to find myself, trying to understand myself; yet at the same time hiding from myself. Why....because I am afraid. So here the door is before me, one that will perhaps take me on the staircase of greater understanding of self and I am not so sure I want to take that first step....not so sure I have the faith within me to do so.

Life can often be scary and full of unknowns. It is even scarier when the unknown is your own self. Sure I know many intimate details about myself, and to many I'd look like I understand myself better than most.....but deep inside there is a piece, that unknown, misunderstood piece, that is far greater than all the known pieces and I have never been able to quite make it "fit" where it should within the puzzle that creates who I am.

Am I ready for someone to take that puzzle piece, turn it, shift it, make it more clear? Am I really ready for it to fit? Am I really ready to look at that big picture that has been more complete than it ever has been? Or am I afraid of what that picture might look like? Yes, absolutely, despite the part of me that wants to see that piece of the puzzle in a different way. And almost as great, if not greater, is the fear inside of me.....are those in my life ready to see that puzzle piece shifted, are they ready for the clearer picture and all that entails?

Well.....if faith is taking that first step even when you can't see the whole staircase, will I have faith.....do I have enough strength left within me to have faith? My friends, I'll let you know....and in the meantime, pray that I will and if I can't have it for myself, that the faith of others will be enough.