The Puzzle of Life....

There are no extra pieces in the universe.

Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill,

and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.

~ Deepak Chopra

As someone who thrives on taking in the world around them....the spoken and written words of others, shared experiences, observing people as they go about their daily routine, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of world with which we inhabit I end up with a large collection of puzzle pieces to sift through. Each experience carries some influence on my own personal puzzle....my journey of life.

I have spent the last several months "leaning on" several different people from all different realms of my life. Each person offering me their own special form of support, insight, words of wisdom, perspective and gifts. As an "independent soul" this has been a new experience for me.....to be the person needing support instead of the person supporting others. As hard as I try to "fight it" and do this on my own, I can't. I have needed ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, arms to embrace, hands to hold and mouths to share. And through every opportunity I have gathered more pieces for my puzzle. Turning the pieces around, analyzing them, taking them in, sitting back and looking at them....until I find the place where the piece fits.

Facing a challenging time of my life, where clarity is hard to find...where many answers are unknown...where I face the struggle to be strong....to embrace life.....to feel joy in my life....to recognize the things that I can control, I have needed more than ever the tender love, guidance and support of many special people in my life.

When I am greeted with a "today is going to be a good day" and my response is "do you know something I don't know...because all day I have been fighting tears", I am given the love and support, the words of wisdom and insight that my spirit so desperately needed to hear. That although I feel such a deep lack of control over many things in my life....what I can control is how I choose to face the day. I can control bringing things into my life that bring me joy....like dancing around the living room with my daughter to "Old Time Rock and Roll" or sharing a dance with a friend through words alone.

That strong desire to be someone who makes a difference in this world.....to be "larger than life"....to leave my mark on this world...to do so many things in my lifetime, seems to be a constant presence in my life. Through sharing with a friend the overwhelming feeling of all I am going through I am given the gift of the words of friendship and perspective that I so needed to hear. That perhaps in life all we ever will be is ordinary through the things we do....but it will be the lives we touch that truly make a difference. That loving ourselves and finding our true sense of worth is our purpose and there is where we will end up touching the lives of others. As my dear friend said "all I ever will be is Angela (my name instead of her's) ~ a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter...a handful I will touch....and I when I get to the end of my life I will look back at all I have touched not by all that I never accomplished."

This perspective makes me think about a blog that I read a while ago. One about the roles that different people play in our lives and the roles we play in other's lives. This insightful woman gave her perspective from her heart ~ people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

The people who come into our lives for a reason serve a purpose, usually an immediate purpose. Perhaps it is the cashier at the grocery store who helps you find an item, or the person in the elevator who pushes the button for you because your hands are full or it is the stranger's story you hear that sheds light on your own life. The people who come into our lives for a season touch our lives on a deeper level. They are there to see us through a particular stage (season) in our life. Perhaps it is the best friend from elementary school whom you drift apart from once you reach high school. Perhaps it is the people in your workplace that you develop relationships with who you lose touch with once you move on to a different job. It is the people, the few people, who are in our lives for a lifetime that perhaps influence our journey the most. They are the people who walk through your journey with you, sharing moments ~ the joyful ones and the challenging ones....the people who grow with you, along side you as individuals yet still connected. Each role that every person who touches your life plays influences your individual puzzle pieces and together we join the pieces of our individual puzzles to create the bigger jigsaw puzzle, the one that is ever evolving....

The people in our lives shed a unique perspective on the things that we see and experience as we piece together our puzzle. I have shared many of my pieces with you through this blog and your insightful comments and caring and supportive words have been truly taken to heart. My dear friend (yes, I know you are reading this) whose perspective and support has been so incredibly vital to my journey lately shared with me her "vision" on the recent blog I wrote about the pathway picture. She was able to see things in a different light than I had. To see the challenges and opportunity....which truly is where life is....a series of challenges that provide opportunities that create our journey and interspersed with it all is the moments of joy and reprieve....each moment creating our puzzle and is in itself a blessing.

My life is so richly blessed by many pieces that are a part of my puzzle....the many people who touch my life in roles of a reason, season or lifetime...each one bringing to my life their own gifts....

~ the Chai latte that warms my heart and spirit

~ the Valentine's treasure that shows up at my front door

~ the friend who calls nearly every day just to see how I am

~ the "keeping in touch" emails that fill my inbox

~ the special little care package when I need it the most

~ the reminder that I am not alone

~ the reminder that there is always someone who is struggling more than I am

~ the reminder to laugh, sing, dance and embrace life

~ the reminder about the things I can control and to release the need to control that which I can't

~ the blessing of a friend's voice on the phone

~ the warm embrace that lets me know I am loved and cared about

~ the listening ear....even when I talk on and on and around and around and it seems like it is "all about me"

~ the people who love and accept me as I am....because after all I am who I am

~ the friend who will join me for a walk or a workout at the gym

~ a snuggle, a hug or an I love you from one of my beautiful children

~ the words of the pastor, an author, a friend or a family member that touch my heart

~ any moment shared with the many wonderful people who touch my life

~ my list is truly endless because everyday I am touched by so many amazing gifts....the gifts that come from the many people who are a blessing in my life....

~ the greatest gift is the gift of the people in my life who are who they are.....

Yes I am truly blessed......

All I ever will be is myself living the journey of life as I create it piece by piece. Finding myself in truth, the core of my being, who I really am...beyond masks and expectations. So that I can truly live....embrace my life fully and be able to look back on my life, on the many blessings, the many lives I have touched and have been touched by. And to know that I have achieved the only accomplishment I need to achieve in my lifetime, because with it all other things will fall into place as they should ~ to truly love myself and feel that sense of worth....what we all deserve to achieve. To know that my piece in the big puzzle fits perfectly because I existed....because I am who I am.

To those of you who have made it through what is my longest entry yet....thank you. Each one of you is an integral part of my puzzle....a treasured and valued piece in my life. Thank you.....for being you!

Miracle Minutes

The only way to live is to accept each

minute as an unrepeatable miracle.

~ Margaret Storm Jameson

Each moment that we are given is a blessing....an unrepeatable miracle. Even though there are many times that our minutes don't feel like miracles....in fact they feel quite challenging and we often wish them away by hoping that the challenges go away. But, through each challenge, each joy, each minute that makes up our moments we learn, we grow, we experience and when we see them as miracles, as blessings, we truly live because we are embracing life fully!!! :)

Embrace your moments....live....you only get one opportunity at each minute....strung together they make life's journey!!

Thank you for sharing my journey with me.......love and blessings for you all! :)

The Pathway of Life....

I was at a friend's place for dinner last night (Sunday) and he showed me one of his latest purchases.....a framed picture of a wooden pathway, somewhat similar to the one pictured above. He shared with me that when many people look at the picture they feel alone....but when he looks at the picture it brings him peace....a sense of knowing that the path, how ever it may twist and turn has been traveled before. That he isn't alone in facing his journey....

It is interesting how we can look at the same thing and see, experience and feel something completely different than the person beside us. Our own experiences, thoughts, feelings and pathways on our journey lead us to "filter" things on a very individual level. It is our vision from within the root of our being that determines what we see and feel. Tonight as I write this, I am thinking about the wonderful words of support that were spoken to me by someone very special on the day I learned of my transplant surgery. The vision that comes from deeper within.....the heart, soul and mind are defining what your true vision is. Vision is far greater than "eyesight".

Tonight as I reflect upon my own journey of traveling on this winding and twisted pathway that appears to have many unclear destinations in sight, I think about the difference of sight and vision. I cannot see the destination in sight...there is no clear "external picture" but within myself I have a clear vision of my destination. I can see so clearly what my intentions are. Although it may be a little unclear how I will get there, I know that as long as I honour myself ~ my heart, my mind and my spirit I will arrive at my destination. As I travel towards this destination, new destinations will come up....I may branch off on the pathway in a different direction....something completely unexpected may influence my journey. There will be many "destinations" along my journey as I travel my pathway.....and in the end when I reach my final destination and take my last breath I will hopefully be able to say that I fully embraced the journey, the blessings of each moment and that the many destinations along the way have made me the person I am.....that I will be a person who is true to self, who is healthy and is completely aligned in mind, body, spirit and heart.....that I will be able to experience the purest form of joy that can only come when one truly loves themselves and feels worthy from within.

As you travel your own pathway, may you remember that although you will often not see where it goes or how to get where you want to go with ease that when you look deep within you will find the clarity you need.....and that the journey of traveling your pathway of life, however the experience may be in each moment, is truly worth fully experiencing.

Moving Forward.....

"Getting over a painful experience is

much like crossing monkeybars.

You have to let go at some point

in order to move forward."

~ Anonymous

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So many times we cling to the known regardless of how challenging and painful it may be. We live in the fear of letting go because the known brings with it a predictability that isn't possible when letting go and moving forward. There is no possible way to predict what the future holds...what the path of moving forward may entail. In order to be healthy we need to let go....we need to face our fears and acknowledge and release our pain. It is when that happens that we are able to be all that we are created to be.

I choose to face my fears, release my pain and move forward in my life in order to be healthy. I will honour myself and live in a place of acceptance and truth from within self....in order to live the healthy life that I have been blessed with the opportunity to embrace.

You have to be kidding....you expect me to see that!

Today was another visit to the eye specialist….not my regular doctor, but his partner. I am beginning to feel like a ping pong ball going back and forth between appointments and doctors!!!

Anyway, as per usual they do the vision check which goes like this ~

Doctor ~ cover your right eye (turns off light and puts up largest sized letter “E” on the wall)….can you see that?
Me ~ laughs…well I see a square of light on the wall
Doctor ~ holds up 2 fingers about a foot from my eye….can you see that?
Me ~ yes, that would be 2 fingers
Doctor ~ holds up fingers (I assume 2) about 6 feet away from my eye….what about that?
Me ~ not even close…I assume you are holding up a hand and some fingers
Doctor ~ holds up fingers (again I assume 2) 3 feet away from my eye…now?
Me ~ are you holding up 1 or 2 fingers
Doctor ~ does the “mmm” sound and turns to write in chart

I can’t begin to describe in words the frustration I feel going through this scenario every time I go to an appointment since my transplant….with no improvement in vision at all so far. I end up sitting there with the feeling that the doctor is expecting me to see something that there is no possible way I can see…..so I end up in essence feeling like I somehow failed. This only brings up all the other issues and emotions that I have in relation to my transplant.

After this deflating experience of trying to see that which I can’t, he then proceeds to check my eye and see how the new cornea is doing. It is healing well…apparently smooth and clear. Although healing too fast, which will affect the ability for the cornea to be pliable enough to manipulate for optimal vision….hence, continued high dose of steroid drops and even more frequent visits for close monitoring. But the cornea looks good says the doctor….

Great the cornea looks beautiful, yet I can’t see!!! It takes everything in me to fight that darker place of “what ifs” and frustration at the whole process. I am only approximately just under 20% through the healing of the first cornea and then I have the second one to go through and I haven’t even reached the peak rejection period….ugh.

So that is the frustrated side in me coming out…just one of those days. But for the most part I do my best to live with the belief that all I can do is follow instructions, use my drops, care for my eyes, go to appointments and embrace the new cornea as a gift….and beyond that, well it is out of my hands….it is in the hands of a power far greater than mine or the doctors and whatever is intended will be.

I Am Who I Am....

Facing a season of my life that is filled with many challenges that I have openly shared with many, has led to my hearing more often than not "you are amazing" and "you are so strong".

If only you knew how I really heard those words. Yes, it is great to know that people admire me and have faith in me but at the same time it makes me feel like you don't see who I really am. The whole person I am....the person you would see beneath the many layers, including the ones that look like an amazing person of strength.

There are many times in my journey that I am faced with doubt, fear, weakness and where I am far from being amazing. In fact it is often hard for me to even comprehend how someone could see me as amazing....I am who I am. There are so many facets to me....some that you may see visibly, some you may have to dig to see, some I see clearly and others I have yet to discover. Regardless of it all ~ I am who I am....nothing less, nothing more and certainly no more amazing than you are.

I am a woman who is choosing to look at the challenges I am facing as opportunities....opportunities for learning, for growth and for healing. There are many things that I will be able to control and support on my journey and there are some things that are out of my hands. When asked about my vision, which is not improving and isn't where one would hope it would be, I respond with ~ "I do my drops, I go to my appointments, I follow instructions and embrace the new cornea as a gift and that is all I can do. The rest is up to a power far greater than I am and whatever is intended for me will be. Why waste my energy on worrying and stressing about the things beyond my control...I need the energy for that which I can." Of course, despite that firm belief, there are times when I falter, when I doubt, fear, cry and feel very unsure and weak. That is the balance that makes me human....

I am who I am.....