Am I Ready?

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

One year and four months ago I wrote a blog entitled "One Foot in Front of the Other" utilizing the above quotation. Now I find myself sitting in that same spot where the quote is running through my head as if trying to remind me of something I am feeling very unsure of....that I can have faith, that I have the strength within me to have faith and take that step. Perhaps, it isn't my first step, but it is one of those early ones....one of the first big steps where you branch out to brave the "world" and what it holds for you.

My spirit is consumed with fear and reluctance. I am feeling very unsure about whether or not I want to open that door that leads to the staircase. Perhaps I don't want the answers, maybe I am not ready to face the truth. Maybe I am not quite ready to completely hang up my "masks" for good. Oh, those masks, the many ones I have that serve me so very well. You know the ones where nobody can really see inside you and instead they see only what you want them to see, what you want them to believe, because the fear of them seeing the "real you" is far too great? We all have them; we all use them from time to time. But for those of us who face those inner demons, the voices that taunt us, the messages that play over and over...well, we use them often. Our masks of armour. For if you cannot see me, you cannot hurt me.

Isn't that what we did when we were afraid, we hid underneath our bed for fear that the monster that lives in the closet might get us if he sees us. Or when we faced a new situation or had to greet a new face we would hide behind our mother in fear, trying to get up the courage to face that fear. Well here I am 35 years old, taller than my mother so I can't hide behind her and I don't fit underneath the bed....where am I to hide other than behind my masks? And who am I hiding from....the people out there in the world....in my closest most intimate circle, in my acquaintance circle, in the passerby circle....or am I hiding from myself?

I have spent a lifetime trying to find myself, trying to understand myself; yet at the same time hiding from myself. Why....because I am afraid. So here the door is before me, one that will perhaps take me on the staircase of greater understanding of self and I am not so sure I want to take that first step....not so sure I have the faith within me to do so.

Life can often be scary and full of unknowns. It is even scarier when the unknown is your own self. Sure I know many intimate details about myself, and to many I'd look like I understand myself better than most.....but deep inside there is a piece, that unknown, misunderstood piece, that is far greater than all the known pieces and I have never been able to quite make it "fit" where it should within the puzzle that creates who I am.

Am I ready for someone to take that puzzle piece, turn it, shift it, make it more clear? Am I really ready for it to fit? Am I really ready to look at that big picture that has been more complete than it ever has been? Or am I afraid of what that picture might look like? Yes, absolutely, despite the part of me that wants to see that piece of the puzzle in a different way. And almost as great, if not greater, is the fear inside of me.....are those in my life ready to see that puzzle piece shifted, are they ready for the clearer picture and all that entails?

Well.....if faith is taking that first step even when you can't see the whole staircase, will I have faith.....do I have enough strength left within me to have faith? My friends, I'll let you know....and in the meantime, pray that I will and if I can't have it for myself, that the faith of others will be enough.

The Abyss....

Somewhere between the light of life and the light of death is an all consuming spiraling darkness. Trapped there, spinning, the body void of strength, the mind tormented by the constant pull of the spiraling thoughts and emotions….there in the darkness one struggles to breathe. Gasping for air, searching for life….desperately seeking the light that has faded into darkness.

Energy that once filled the body, the mind, the heart, is now dissipated and one is left feeling vacant, lost, torn from the spirit. The emptiness is seen in the eyes that are staring off into the distance as if searching. For what? ~ for life…for death…for the light. The body moves robotically through the motions…leaving the mind to question how did I get here?

Coursing through the emptiness that remains within the body is nerve endings on fire....searing through the body...arms filled with hundreds of tiny bugs that eat away at the body form, the more you try and get them to leave the more they multiply until your entire being is on fire and writhing in agony. The light that brightens the sky and the artificial lights that are everywhere you turn, prove to be far too powerful for the eyes that need to remain closed....closed in darkness, yet fighting darkness. The constant hum of the energy from life occurring around you is in stark contrast to the lifelessness you feel consuming you....it pierces your ear, lights fire to all your senses, causes a fight within your body as if what is left is trying to escape....the body left fighting to cling to what is left inside tenses as if creating a barrier to not let the small glimmers of what is there escape.

Tears fall...beginning like little raindrops, until they turn into a raging thunderstorm leaving the body void of any existing energy, exhausted and vacant yet again. The rage of the storm turns on you....on those who are in your path....violently consuming you with thoughts and feelings that fight to take all pieces of your existence from you.

The pain cuts through you like a knife....yet it is so deep that you cannot find its source no matter how hard you search....craving soothing, something to ease the pain that runs deeper than one could possibly imagine....pain far too unbearable to endure....yet trapped in that abyss you cannot escape it wherever you search. Where feelings of connecting to life, to the world that surrounds you, once existed you are left with a nothingness....an emptiness that is so vast it seems impossible to fill. Yet you search....you ache....you call out....desperately needing to find anything but the darkness, the emptiness, that fills you and surrounds you.

The light of life calls out to you....trying to give you strength....to pull you towards it. Hands outstretch, arms enfold, eyes plead, hearts overflow, minds fill with prayers and loving thoughts, voices speak calling to you, bodies carry you....you hear them....you see them....you see life, yet cannot feel it. You see the life that surrounds you ~ a glimpse of the spring crocus, the laughter of children, the voices that sing praises, the energy of living life, the warm greeting from someone who loves you, the song of the birds, the rumble of the people that fill your world....yes there is life that shines its bright light, yet you cannot reach it no matter how hard you try.

The light of death beckons you....calling you towards peace. To ending the pain, the struggle, to fill the emptiness. It promises relief....calls out to you within the darkest of darkness. Yet you question it....you fear it.....because unlike the light of life, the energy of life, the promises of life, you cannot see it....you cannot feel it.

The aloneness of the abyss torments you....terrifies you....the spiraling darkness of emotions and thoughts within the abyss consume you.....you call out for strength, for peace, for light....yet only manage to catch a glimmer....is it the glimmer of the light of life....or the glimmer of the light of death.....you are spiraling so fast that you are unable to tell. So there you spin, left within the abyss....unsure of where the spiraling will stop....when the darkness will end and the light surrounds you again.