The Fight....

The crisp white brightness of the snow outside is in such contrast to the darkness that consumes my being. I stare out the window, wondering if it is mocking me....or is it trying to draw me to the light?



No stranger to darkness, I know this place far too well. Although this time it is harder and harder to see the glimpses of light that keep me going. Yes, it is this time of year again....one of the months I battle every year. But this time......



The darkness is consuming almost every thought and feeling I have. It is seeping out through me in the form of venom or barriers towards other people. It is sucking the breath out of my being so I struggle desperately to breathe.... What is it that is making this year so much more darker....is it that my energy has been pulled out of me on so many levels this past year that there is little "fight" left in me? Or am I truly in a darker place than I have seen for a very long time? Yes, I am weary, I am tired of fighting the darkness....I am tired of struggling to breathe....tired of trying to be ok.....tired of trying to see the light. The darkness is so strong this time....it has filled my being with doubts, fears, anger and a desperate need to escape. The thoughts of escape are terrifying. For those who have faced such thoughts, you will know how hard it is to battle those thoughts.....to fight to live.



Damn it....I chose life.....and I choose life EVERYDAY......but why is the ugliness fighting me so hard.....why is it so hard to stay in that healthy place....the place where my being embraces life's blessings, chooses life and makes each moment count. If I choose life....and I want life....then why is it so hard to stay true to that choice....what is it that is fighting me? The demons of the past, the demons of the present or what is more likely the answer ~ myself.



I am in a place where I am not sure I deserve to be.....I am truly loved by the most incredible person and I am blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friends. How is it possible that this "broken" person, this hurtful person, can be so truly loved? Yes, I doubt that....and yes, I fear that it can't be real....won't last....that I'll end up feeling abandoned as I have so many times. Left to fight on my own....because yes, I am my own greatest ally....but I am also my own greatest enemy.



The energy that courses through my body is filled with conflict, confusion and as a result intense sadness and anger.....and it seeps out to affect those I love the most in this world. Which only feeds that viscious cycle of ~ I don't deserve to be loved as I am......



The mind is spinning, the heart is aching, the body is weary and yet by the grace of God, the strength of the love from those who touch my life.....I still go on. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time....I seek the light......and I will find it again. As dark as this place is, I refuse to succumb to the darkness....because yes, I choose life.....there is no other alternative.