You have to be kidding....you expect me to see that!

Today was another visit to the eye specialist….not my regular doctor, but his partner. I am beginning to feel like a ping pong ball going back and forth between appointments and doctors!!!

Anyway, as per usual they do the vision check which goes like this ~

Doctor ~ cover your right eye (turns off light and puts up largest sized letter “E” on the wall)….can you see that?
Me ~ laughs…well I see a square of light on the wall
Doctor ~ holds up 2 fingers about a foot from my eye….can you see that?
Me ~ yes, that would be 2 fingers
Doctor ~ holds up fingers (I assume 2) about 6 feet away from my eye….what about that?
Me ~ not even close…I assume you are holding up a hand and some fingers
Doctor ~ holds up fingers (again I assume 2) 3 feet away from my eye…now?
Me ~ are you holding up 1 or 2 fingers
Doctor ~ does the “mmm” sound and turns to write in chart

I can’t begin to describe in words the frustration I feel going through this scenario every time I go to an appointment since my transplant….with no improvement in vision at all so far. I end up sitting there with the feeling that the doctor is expecting me to see something that there is no possible way I can see…..so I end up in essence feeling like I somehow failed. This only brings up all the other issues and emotions that I have in relation to my transplant.

After this deflating experience of trying to see that which I can’t, he then proceeds to check my eye and see how the new cornea is doing. It is healing well…apparently smooth and clear. Although healing too fast, which will affect the ability for the cornea to be pliable enough to manipulate for optimal vision….hence, continued high dose of steroid drops and even more frequent visits for close monitoring. But the cornea looks good says the doctor….

Great the cornea looks beautiful, yet I can’t see!!! It takes everything in me to fight that darker place of “what ifs” and frustration at the whole process. I am only approximately just under 20% through the healing of the first cornea and then I have the second one to go through and I haven’t even reached the peak rejection period….ugh.

So that is the frustrated side in me coming out…just one of those days. But for the most part I do my best to live with the belief that all I can do is follow instructions, use my drops, care for my eyes, go to appointments and embrace the new cornea as a gift….and beyond that, well it is out of my hands….it is in the hands of a power far greater than mine or the doctors and whatever is intended will be.