Wallowing...to be or not to be a pig...

Have you ever felt so hurt and confused that it hurt to breath? And that with every breath you took the tears flowed freely...your heart ached so much it felt like it was being crushed...putting one foot in front of the other took everything in you...and your head was spinning completely out of control. The other day when I shared with my friends those feelings and that I didn't see any way out of them, my friends loved and supported me and told me that I was allowed to spend a day wallowing..."but I am NOT a pig" I cried out to them...

Wallowing....defined in the Collins dictionary as:

1. If you say someone is wallowing in an unpleasant situation; you are criticizing them for being deliberately unhappy.
2. If a person or animal wallows in water or mud, they lie or roll about in it slowly for pleasure.

Hmmm...where did my circumstances fit within those definitions...I suppose somewhat under them both...

I was definitely in a very unpleasant situation...a very dark and scary place filled with intense sadness and confusion... But was that situation deliberate? As a complex created human form, I have been blessed, as we all have been, with the freedom, ability and opportunity of choice. Each step I take on my journey is filled with a vast array of potential choices...and sometimes the choice is easy to make, other times it is more difficult and confusing. So, was that situation deliberate...my choices that influenced the situation were deliberate, although the outcome of those choices weren't clear at the time of making them (they seldom are)... which, by the natural influence of choice makes my situation somewhat deliberate.

Was I deriving pleasure from wallowing in the mud or water (muck) as I rolled about in it? I have often referred to my journey as a very mucky journey...one that often requires "hip waders" at times because the muck is too deep. So, as I travel on my journey through the muck I suppose there are times when you could say that I feel pleasure within that muck and sometimes even feel safe within that muck, especially if it is a place that I have been in before because I know what to expect. And sometimes the pleasure filled muck brings about more muck which in the end can turn into a not so pleasant experience. The ultimate hope for this journey through the muck would be best described as finding peace, awareness and love of self...do those things bring pleasure? If they do, then I suppose I am a "pig" wallowing in the muck in hopes of finding that pleasure that the pig seeks from the muck.

Looking at the two definitions, they describe contrasting emotions...unpleasant and pleasure. Very much like the journey of life... As we experience the days that we are blessed with, we will experience both of these emotions on a frequent basis...we will in fact spend time, like the pig, wallowing...sometimes for pleasure and sometimes feeling stuck in an unpleasant situation.

I know that my friends were referring to that feeling of being stuck when they said to me "quit wallowing and come join us out of the muck" because I was in a place where I was stuck, I could see no hope... As I write this tonight my dear friends...I am still stuck wallowing in those hopeless feelings and I will continue to roll about in the muck in hopes that I will find the strength to join you in that neutral place and perhaps then I will be able to experience pleasurable wallowing.

"To be or not to be a pig"...as much as I adamantly said to my friends "I am not a pig"...truthfully, my hope is to be like the pig where I will experience pleasure from my wallowing instead of these intense feelings of pain and hopelessness as a result of an unpleasant situation.

To those who put on "hip waders" and travel through the muck with me and those who provide that place of refuge out of the muck...I love you all!