At Least They Didn't Ask Me to See the Letter E.....

Today I went for my routine visit to see the eye specialist.......the news was what I predicted, although somewhat frustrating. I have been struggling for the last couple months with my ability to keep my contact lens in and as a result have struggled with pain, light sensitivity and vision. My right eye (non-transplant eye) SCREAMS at me on a regular basis. The "fighter" in me has fought hard to keep my ability to use the contact lens to see.....for my ability to see the world through functional vision....to not let go of my independence and to not have to call on support and most especially, miss out on visually experiencing life.

The eye technician got a full dose of my frustration as I explained what has been happening with my right eye ~ non-transplant eye that is supposed to be able to wear a contact lens. And as well, with my left eye ~ which I refer to as not much more than a "wart on my face". The intense frustration at my lack of vision and progress was very apparent. Thankfully this delightful woman, who always greats me with a warm smile, was very understanding. And at least she didn't ask me to see the letter E....instead, while wearing my glasses, she had me try to read letters, which she understood that I could only really see by shape not by clarity. I told her "without my contact lens my vision only comes from my brain, my memory of shapes and forms, not my eyes." She replies to me, "I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing". My response to that was, "it is a bad thing....it is exhausting working the brain so hard to see."

Next, after waiting a bit, I proceeded into the specialist's office......the cornea looks clear, the medications seem to be working well, the transplant looks good....let's take out a couple stitches (most disgusting experience only compounded by the accidental slip and snapping sound from the tweezers which made me jump out of my skin....followed by his reply that you only heard that not felt that right?) Hmmm....everything looks great, you can reduce your drops....yet you are in excruciating pain when wearing your contact lens and you can't functionally see out of either eye unless you wear the lens. And all is good....NOT....at least not in my world. So of course I must pose the question ~ if all is good then why can't I wear my contact lens? Well, that is because of the peak in your cornea, the shape of it....which of course means the initial problem (not the blood vessels), the Kerataconus, is getting worse. Hence my inability to wear a contact lens....and therefore my inability to functionally see the world in several aspects of my life. So, one asks the question ~ how can he say things are good then....you can't see!!!!! Well, that is because he is a corneal transplant specialist....and since the cornea looks clear, is healing well and so far not rejecting....all is good in his world. Let's leave the vision up to the Optometrist.

So where does that leave me....other than feeling frustrated.....well a trip to a hopefully reassuring Optometrist, whom I adore, is in order. I am hoping that he can somewhat correct my vision with a new lens in my glasses for the transplant eye, since I can no longer wear the contact lens. If not....well, that leaves me crossing a bridge I am not sure I want to fully face yet.

So today the tears flowed freely....I wanted to kick and scream....stomp my feet....throw a full blown "why me" tantrum......or just curl up in a ball and forget that this is all happening to me. Yes, I ask the question....why can't this be the one time I am not atypical. The Leo in me usually thrives on being atypical and "beating to a different drummer"....pushing the boundaries....but this time, I just want to be normal. One of those people who come out of the transplant with better vision than before the transplant....who feels like they can see the world as they haven't seen it in a long time. But no....not me.....I am the atypical one....with the "reactive eyes" that heal differently than the norm.....where we are unsure of what lays ahead for me with regards to vision..... Hmmm...what I wouldn't give to be normal (who would have ever thought I'd utter those words?).

A few people were privy to my "rants" today.....and of course, the underlying message of support is ~ don't lose faith....don't lose hope....think positively. Oh, how that has been a struggle for me the last couple months in relation to my eyes.....how the frustration and fear has clouded over the hope and faith. So tonight, I sit here tears streaming down my face.....putting myself before you all, those who love me....and before my Higher Power.....asking for the hope and faith I need for my healing.... For the ability to embrace healing in whatever form that may come and to accept the words I have spoken so many times ~ whatever is intended will be......and to live by the words I have spoken many times ~ all I can do is embrace my cornea (and my non-transplant eye) and follow instructions to care for my eyes, to think positively and the rest is up to a power far greater than you or I.

So vision or no vision.....I ask you to help me continue to see clearly the blessings in life......not the hopelessness. And yes, that means I am asking for help....I need you my friends and my family members......