I Need You....

Those who know me well, know I am not one who tends to let my vulnerability show and I am most definitely not one who can easily say the words "I need help....I need support". I tend to be a strong-willed, independent person who is determined to do it on my own....in my own way. As far back as I can remember, and mom says I was always this way, I haven't been able to easily embrace offers of help or support and in fact viewed doing so as a sign of weakness.

Well tonight I sit here in a weak and very vulnerable state.....tears streaming down my face and having no ability to even see clearly the words I am typing. The reality of how much I have learned to embrace support from others hit me like a "ton of bricks" today. Along with it came the very real fear of my personal dependency on the support of some very significant people in my life....in the last couple months one person in particular, even beyond the support that many others have given me.

My visual and personal struggles this past year have put me in a place where I can't always do it on my own....a place where I have needed support and have had to reach out for help. This hasn't been an easy journey for me....and has definitely been compounded by my very deep rooted personal struggles with embracing support....with needing other people. There have been so many times over the last year where support has come when asked, and without my even asking.....where I have been "carried" when I needed it....where a hand has reached out to say "I am here for you".

I am now in a place where I am needing support more often. My physical visual struggles have been very acute. There are days I can hardly wear my contact lens.....my only link to being able to clearly visually connect to the world through my physical vision in my eyes. The pain has been intense in my non-transplant eye and my transplant eye seems to be "non-existent" (for a lack of a better word). The transplant eye is just there....not functioning...not hurting.....just there, but not really noticeable or functional. The reality of feeling my visual world slip further and further away has been challenging to say the least. To go from being able to be independent, see the world through my eyes and do most things with ease has been altered and continues to be reduced more and more everyday. This very real experience is absolutely terrifying.....everything in me wants to be able to see the words I am typing in this entry......everything in me wants to be able to sit down and do the jigsaw puzzle on my dining table with ease, with vision, not by touch.....everything in me wants to be able to get in my van and drive where I need to go....everything in me wants to experience the world with visual clarity so that when my child says to me "look at what I did" ~ I can truly see it....everything in me wants to be able to see my daughter's loose tooth progression (yes, even though loose teeth absolutely gross me out)......everything in me clings to the few glimmers of clarity of physical vision I have and grieves the vision I no longer have and loss of independence that has come with it.

As mentioned above, I have come to depend very much so on a very remarkable person in my life.....someone who has been my eyes in so many ways over the last several months. Someone who has willingly stepped up and offered support in ways beyond measure.....who has spent countless hours driving the children and I around when I am unable to see......someone who has provided emotional and physical support to myself, my children and my household ~ who is able to help carry the load when I need someone to share the weight (and even when I don't). The very real dependence on the support of this remarkable person who has come to mean the world to me.....not only through my eyes....but through my heart....through everything I am...is terrifying for this "independent" woman to face. The very real fear of can I ever do it on my own and would I ever want to, has consumed my every thought today......because yes, I need you.....in ways that are truly immeasurable.

I know many of you reading this will say....I know you, I know your strength.....and I know that regardless you will do it....with or without support. And when you need support you will find it in ways that will not compromise who you are. You will face your life with strength and yes, my friend as you said to me the other day ~ with integrity. YES.....I do hear your words....and I know their truth....but today, this very vulnerable person who is feeling the incredible depth of needing another person is scared because she isn't so sure she wants to ever face a reality of needing so much that she becomes dependent.

So my friends, my family.....I DO NEED YOU!!!! And today as I type this, despite my fears, I am willing to forever embrace the countless ways you all provide me with support.....and in turn I offer you my hand......to hold, to give you support......and I offer you my heart filled with love....and my spirit that will be eternally grateful for the blessing you are in my life.