Hmmm

So much for starting to write again. I can't believe how much time has passed since my last entry. Where did my motivation to write go? Lost somewhere in what has been filled with my attempts to get through the day. Yes, I have been facing the dark pit of depression for quite some time now. For a while I was doing better but now I seem to find myself spiralling into the darkness instead of dancing in the light.

I received my second corneal transplant on April 30th and I am now finding myself fighting rejection yet again. How I wish my body would stop fighting itself and embrace the new cornea. This time around the surgery went much better than the previous time so we were very hopeful. Now I am taking extensive amounts of drops to fight the rejection and thankfully that seems to be improving things.

I find myself trying to take on volunteer tasks that will help bring more substance to my days. But what a struggle it is to keep myself going and get the tasks done that I need to. I have also been searching for a part time job that will have the flexibility that I need, but so far haven't been successful.

I am so thankful to be surrounded by Cheryl and the kids. They help me get through the day. I am so proud of how well the kids are doing. They bring me so much joy. I love hearing about their days and watching them do the things they love. If only that could be enough....

The weather has been dreary which doesn't help my mood. It has been the kind of days that you want to shut the world out and curl up with a blanket. Yes, my sofa has been my best friend lately. Not the healthiest way to live. Especially when I am fighting the highs and lows of diabetes.

I wonder what that "magic" trick will be that will bring light into my life and help me find the motivation I need to truly live...not just get by. I truly HOPE I'll dust off my "dancing" shoes soon. Surely it is time to put away the rubber boots.

It's Time....

to start writing again! Yes, it is time I stopped shoving that nagging writer's desire aside and just sat down and did what my spirit calls me to do so frequently....WRITE!!!!

Well...I got the news. I finally have a date set for my transplant. I will be having my corneal transplant surgery on April 30th. This is of course donor dependent. The thought of that kind of freaks me out. Here I sit thinking someone has to die so that I can receive a new cornea...almost wishing for that cornea, that's like wishing for someone to die. I'd never do that in my sane state of mind, so why is my subconscious state doing so. Perhaps it is that deeply embedded frustration of not being able to see for the last several years. What a gift it would be to have sight again. To see the world with visual clarity again. I truly can't remember what that was like as I go through my days in a virtual visual fog.

In many ways a huge part of me is holding back from hoping that my vision will be restored. I am scared to hope and then be disappointed with the outcome like I was this previous time around. There is a part of me that wants to see so much so that it permeates the very core of my being and that part is terrified that this surgery will not be the success that I so desperately long for.

Living with visual distortion is extremely exhausting. My body is tired, my mind is exhausted and my eyes are strained to the point of being painful. I can't remember what it was like to just open my eyes, pop my glasses on or contact lenses in and see...what a gift that would be to my eyes, mind, body and spirit. So yes...here we wait for April 30th, for this incredible gift in hopes that it will bring healing and vision to this being, my being, that so desperately longs for it.

Time Flies...

It has been six months since my mind shared itself with you via the tap, tap, tap on my keyboard. Six months seems very long for a writer not to write. It isn't that I didn't have anything to write about. My days have flown by in a blur of activity for the most part. So what has held me back? I honestly don't have an answer, but it sure feels good to be back here.

Well yesterday I got the news that I have been waiting to hear. My transplant in my left eye will have to be redone due to the rejection. The most common response to my news has been that it may go better this time around due to the fact that I was engulfed in crisis the last time around.

It has been almost 2 years since my initial transplant. It seems so long ago, yet also seems like it was just yesterday. My life has been filled with changes the last 2 years. In many ways I am a different person than I was when I faced the transplant procedure the last time. I was so unsure of many things, the most of which being what if I see the world through different "eyes" with a new cornea. I must say I am seeing the world quite differently now, but not because of the new cornea. The changes I have experienced have all been a significant influence with regards to how differently I see the world.

On the horizon I see many more changes to come as I continue to face the challenges and struggles as well as the blessings in life. I will enter into this transplant procedure knowing that I can "survive" it and that my world won't fall apart as I see it with new vision...instead the new vision is an opportunity for continued growth as I change the aperture on my "camera"... Yes, thanks Jack for seeing me through the last procedure, now I can stand on my own instead of being carried and I can rejoice in the love and support I have in my life that will come through this shared experience with family and friends.

Why Me????

Sixteen and a half months after taking that giant step I heard the news that every transplant recipient never hopes to hear "you are rejecting". WHAT??? ME???? How could it be? I have been diligent about taking my drops, keeping my appointments and embracing my new cornea. Why me?? Why now??

Yes, after some poking, prodding, drops and examination I am told that my transplanted cornea is showing signs of rejection. And in order to have any hope of saving it we will need to do some intensive and vigilant work. I am on frequent steroid drops and under orders to not wear my contact lens (which was already proving to be too uncomfortable) and will once again enter the office on Monday for the poking, prodding, drops and examination in hopes of hearing that we have reversed the rejection process.

Those closest to me know how challenging it was for me to embrace the cornea in the first place. To recognize it as the gift it was in exchange for giving up a part of myself in order to take on a part of another. My hand was held, ears were bent, shoulders provided comfort and I was given the words needed to embrace the transplant by someone very special in my life....yes, all to embrace this transplant.

Now here I am 16 1/2 months later facing losing the cornea that I embraced. The fears consume my mind....the grief sets in.....as I, in the way that is my nature, prepare myself for the worst case scenario. Much like I did when I first heard the news that I needed a transplant in both my eyes or I would face eventual blindness......the thoughts and feelings that course through my body are much the same......what if I never......

Although, I never wanted to hear the news that I was facing rejection of the donor cornea, the news did not come as a complete shock. There was something inside of me that sensed this rejection. No physical symptom....just a sense, a feeling, an intuition....that something just wasn't right.

So now here I sit angry, frustrated and sad....because I have been dealt yet another "card" that I must learn to cope with. Another weight has been added to my already too heavy load. And I sit here questioning.....they say that God never gives us more than we can handle....well I am not so sure I can handle this. My being has been fragile, weak and already over-taxed; void of the strength it needs to cope with the burdens I carry already....and now....I am being weighed down even more. At what point will I break....will I crumble....is that the purpose? Or is carrying these weights, this incredibly intense load, going to make me stronger? Hmmm....I am not so sure.

So yes, I have lost that strength, that zest for life and all that it hands me, the optimistic spirit that has faith and I am left feeling lost, confused, scared, devastated, weak and questioning.....

WHY ME????

Am I Ready?

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

One year and four months ago I wrote a blog entitled "One Foot in Front of the Other" utilizing the above quotation. Now I find myself sitting in that same spot where the quote is running through my head as if trying to remind me of something I am feeling very unsure of....that I can have faith, that I have the strength within me to have faith and take that step. Perhaps, it isn't my first step, but it is one of those early ones....one of the first big steps where you branch out to brave the "world" and what it holds for you.

My spirit is consumed with fear and reluctance. I am feeling very unsure about whether or not I want to open that door that leads to the staircase. Perhaps I don't want the answers, maybe I am not ready to face the truth. Maybe I am not quite ready to completely hang up my "masks" for good. Oh, those masks, the many ones I have that serve me so very well. You know the ones where nobody can really see inside you and instead they see only what you want them to see, what you want them to believe, because the fear of them seeing the "real you" is far too great? We all have them; we all use them from time to time. But for those of us who face those inner demons, the voices that taunt us, the messages that play over and over...well, we use them often. Our masks of armour. For if you cannot see me, you cannot hurt me.

Isn't that what we did when we were afraid, we hid underneath our bed for fear that the monster that lives in the closet might get us if he sees us. Or when we faced a new situation or had to greet a new face we would hide behind our mother in fear, trying to get up the courage to face that fear. Well here I am 35 years old, taller than my mother so I can't hide behind her and I don't fit underneath the bed....where am I to hide other than behind my masks? And who am I hiding from....the people out there in the world....in my closest most intimate circle, in my acquaintance circle, in the passerby circle....or am I hiding from myself?

I have spent a lifetime trying to find myself, trying to understand myself; yet at the same time hiding from myself. Why....because I am afraid. So here the door is before me, one that will perhaps take me on the staircase of greater understanding of self and I am not so sure I want to take that first step....not so sure I have the faith within me to do so.

Life can often be scary and full of unknowns. It is even scarier when the unknown is your own self. Sure I know many intimate details about myself, and to many I'd look like I understand myself better than most.....but deep inside there is a piece, that unknown, misunderstood piece, that is far greater than all the known pieces and I have never been able to quite make it "fit" where it should within the puzzle that creates who I am.

Am I ready for someone to take that puzzle piece, turn it, shift it, make it more clear? Am I really ready for it to fit? Am I really ready to look at that big picture that has been more complete than it ever has been? Or am I afraid of what that picture might look like? Yes, absolutely, despite the part of me that wants to see that piece of the puzzle in a different way. And almost as great, if not greater, is the fear inside of me.....are those in my life ready to see that puzzle piece shifted, are they ready for the clearer picture and all that entails?

Well.....if faith is taking that first step even when you can't see the whole staircase, will I have faith.....do I have enough strength left within me to have faith? My friends, I'll let you know....and in the meantime, pray that I will and if I can't have it for myself, that the faith of others will be enough.

The Abyss....

Somewhere between the light of life and the light of death is an all consuming spiraling darkness. Trapped there, spinning, the body void of strength, the mind tormented by the constant pull of the spiraling thoughts and emotions….there in the darkness one struggles to breathe. Gasping for air, searching for life….desperately seeking the light that has faded into darkness.

Energy that once filled the body, the mind, the heart, is now dissipated and one is left feeling vacant, lost, torn from the spirit. The emptiness is seen in the eyes that are staring off into the distance as if searching. For what? ~ for life…for death…for the light. The body moves robotically through the motions…leaving the mind to question how did I get here?

Coursing through the emptiness that remains within the body is nerve endings on fire....searing through the body...arms filled with hundreds of tiny bugs that eat away at the body form, the more you try and get them to leave the more they multiply until your entire being is on fire and writhing in agony. The light that brightens the sky and the artificial lights that are everywhere you turn, prove to be far too powerful for the eyes that need to remain closed....closed in darkness, yet fighting darkness. The constant hum of the energy from life occurring around you is in stark contrast to the lifelessness you feel consuming you....it pierces your ear, lights fire to all your senses, causes a fight within your body as if what is left is trying to escape....the body left fighting to cling to what is left inside tenses as if creating a barrier to not let the small glimmers of what is there escape.

Tears fall...beginning like little raindrops, until they turn into a raging thunderstorm leaving the body void of any existing energy, exhausted and vacant yet again. The rage of the storm turns on you....on those who are in your path....violently consuming you with thoughts and feelings that fight to take all pieces of your existence from you.

The pain cuts through you like a knife....yet it is so deep that you cannot find its source no matter how hard you search....craving soothing, something to ease the pain that runs deeper than one could possibly imagine....pain far too unbearable to endure....yet trapped in that abyss you cannot escape it wherever you search. Where feelings of connecting to life, to the world that surrounds you, once existed you are left with a nothingness....an emptiness that is so vast it seems impossible to fill. Yet you search....you ache....you call out....desperately needing to find anything but the darkness, the emptiness, that fills you and surrounds you.

The light of life calls out to you....trying to give you strength....to pull you towards it. Hands outstretch, arms enfold, eyes plead, hearts overflow, minds fill with prayers and loving thoughts, voices speak calling to you, bodies carry you....you hear them....you see them....you see life, yet cannot feel it. You see the life that surrounds you ~ a glimpse of the spring crocus, the laughter of children, the voices that sing praises, the energy of living life, the warm greeting from someone who loves you, the song of the birds, the rumble of the people that fill your world....yes there is life that shines its bright light, yet you cannot reach it no matter how hard you try.

The light of death beckons you....calling you towards peace. To ending the pain, the struggle, to fill the emptiness. It promises relief....calls out to you within the darkest of darkness. Yet you question it....you fear it.....because unlike the light of life, the energy of life, the promises of life, you cannot see it....you cannot feel it.

The aloneness of the abyss torments you....terrifies you....the spiraling darkness of emotions and thoughts within the abyss consume you.....you call out for strength, for peace, for light....yet only manage to catch a glimmer....is it the glimmer of the light of life....or the glimmer of the light of death.....you are spiraling so fast that you are unable to tell. So there you spin, left within the abyss....unsure of where the spiraling will stop....when the darkness will end and the light surrounds you again.

The Fight....

The crisp white brightness of the snow outside is in such contrast to the darkness that consumes my being. I stare out the window, wondering if it is mocking me....or is it trying to draw me to the light?



No stranger to darkness, I know this place far too well. Although this time it is harder and harder to see the glimpses of light that keep me going. Yes, it is this time of year again....one of the months I battle every year. But this time......



The darkness is consuming almost every thought and feeling I have. It is seeping out through me in the form of venom or barriers towards other people. It is sucking the breath out of my being so I struggle desperately to breathe.... What is it that is making this year so much more darker....is it that my energy has been pulled out of me on so many levels this past year that there is little "fight" left in me? Or am I truly in a darker place than I have seen for a very long time? Yes, I am weary, I am tired of fighting the darkness....I am tired of struggling to breathe....tired of trying to be ok.....tired of trying to see the light. The darkness is so strong this time....it has filled my being with doubts, fears, anger and a desperate need to escape. The thoughts of escape are terrifying. For those who have faced such thoughts, you will know how hard it is to battle those thoughts.....to fight to live.



Damn it....I chose life.....and I choose life EVERYDAY......but why is the ugliness fighting me so hard.....why is it so hard to stay in that healthy place....the place where my being embraces life's blessings, chooses life and makes each moment count. If I choose life....and I want life....then why is it so hard to stay true to that choice....what is it that is fighting me? The demons of the past, the demons of the present or what is more likely the answer ~ myself.



I am in a place where I am not sure I deserve to be.....I am truly loved by the most incredible person and I am blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friends. How is it possible that this "broken" person, this hurtful person, can be so truly loved? Yes, I doubt that....and yes, I fear that it can't be real....won't last....that I'll end up feeling abandoned as I have so many times. Left to fight on my own....because yes, I am my own greatest ally....but I am also my own greatest enemy.



The energy that courses through my body is filled with conflict, confusion and as a result intense sadness and anger.....and it seeps out to affect those I love the most in this world. Which only feeds that viscious cycle of ~ I don't deserve to be loved as I am......



The mind is spinning, the heart is aching, the body is weary and yet by the grace of God, the strength of the love from those who touch my life.....I still go on. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time....I seek the light......and I will find it again. As dark as this place is, I refuse to succumb to the darkness....because yes, I choose life.....there is no other alternative.