Why Me????

Sixteen and a half months after taking that giant step I heard the news that every transplant recipient never hopes to hear "you are rejecting". WHAT??? ME???? How could it be? I have been diligent about taking my drops, keeping my appointments and embracing my new cornea. Why me?? Why now??

Yes, after some poking, prodding, drops and examination I am told that my transplanted cornea is showing signs of rejection. And in order to have any hope of saving it we will need to do some intensive and vigilant work. I am on frequent steroid drops and under orders to not wear my contact lens (which was already proving to be too uncomfortable) and will once again enter the office on Monday for the poking, prodding, drops and examination in hopes of hearing that we have reversed the rejection process.

Those closest to me know how challenging it was for me to embrace the cornea in the first place. To recognize it as the gift it was in exchange for giving up a part of myself in order to take on a part of another. My hand was held, ears were bent, shoulders provided comfort and I was given the words needed to embrace the transplant by someone very special in my life....yes, all to embrace this transplant.

Now here I am 16 1/2 months later facing losing the cornea that I embraced. The fears consume my mind....the grief sets in.....as I, in the way that is my nature, prepare myself for the worst case scenario. Much like I did when I first heard the news that I needed a transplant in both my eyes or I would face eventual blindness......the thoughts and feelings that course through my body are much the same......what if I never......

Although, I never wanted to hear the news that I was facing rejection of the donor cornea, the news did not come as a complete shock. There was something inside of me that sensed this rejection. No physical symptom....just a sense, a feeling, an intuition....that something just wasn't right.

So now here I sit angry, frustrated and sad....because I have been dealt yet another "card" that I must learn to cope with. Another weight has been added to my already too heavy load. And I sit here questioning.....they say that God never gives us more than we can handle....well I am not so sure I can handle this. My being has been fragile, weak and already over-taxed; void of the strength it needs to cope with the burdens I carry already....and now....I am being weighed down even more. At what point will I break....will I crumble....is that the purpose? Or is carrying these weights, this incredibly intense load, going to make me stronger? Hmmm....I am not so sure.

So yes, I have lost that strength, that zest for life and all that it hands me, the optimistic spirit that has faith and I am left feeling lost, confused, scared, devastated, weak and questioning.....

WHY ME????