The Many Layers of Masks.....

This week I am back at work and back connecting with people in what I will call the "real world".

I have spent the last month and a half in a virtual seclusion....connecting with very few people. In part because of my corneal transplant and in part because of psychological reasons and a need to hide.

To me it seems somewhat counter productive....for someone who has spent so much of the past year trying to remove masks....to learn to just "be"......to live in truth.....I have managed to put myself in a position of "hiding" yet again. Yes, the masks looked different.....but they were still there.....they just revealed themselves differently.

I began to really question the amount of progress I was making....was I in fact going "backwards" after all my work. So I decided it was time to face life again.....face my fears....remove the protective mask of seclusion and venture out again.

I worked this week and spent some time in my son's school. Through those experiences I ended up connecting with people I hadn't seen in a long time. And of course their natural first question to me is "how are you doing?" To which my response was I am doing fine / good or something to that effect. Their response without fail has been "no your not...", "I can tell". How can you tell? Is it the look in my eyes, the tone in my voice, my body language. Is it really that obvious?

These experiences have brought out a vast array of responses within myself.....my own questioning and revelations. These kind and caring people who can so easily tell how I am doing are exactly what I feared about connecting with people. I don't want people to see I am not ok.....at least I don't want everyone to see I am not ok. It makes me want to run and hide, go back to the comforts of seclusion.....so I don't have to look you in the eye and face you finding out I am not ok. Yet, on the other hand I feel a sense of joy.....that despite my fears that I had taken steps backwards during my time of seclusion I am no longer able to hide behind the masks as I once was able to do so. When you see me, you see me as I am in this moment....despite my words trying to be a mask, what you see is truth.

I am usually able to find some way to "close" my blogs....but tonight I sit here at a loss for words.....torn between wanting to put on my finest mask or fully embrace releasing my masks....I suppose that answer will come as I continue on my journey.